Gay Vs. Straight: The Reveal

Thank you friends and perverted voyeurs for following Nicole and me in our on-going series, Gay Vs. Straight.  We bring you our final edition after weeks of illusions and trickery, Gay Vs. Straight:  The Reveal.  Who is Chris?  Who is Pat?  Did their responses to deep, probing questions clue you in to their sexual preferences?  Was it obvious which one was the homo and which one was the hetero when they discussed their spooning habits or their thoughts about afterbirth?  It is time to validate your suspicions right here and now!  And after the Big Reveal, we’re going to answer a few more questions as our big, revealed selves.  

As per usual, you’ll find questions and answers on each of our blogs, so be sure to visit the other. 

In an effort to sustain the tease, I now give you links to all the previous posts in case you need to refresh your memory or read any entries you may have missed.

Gay Vs. Straight:  The Lady Round (Nicole)

Gay Vs. Straight:  The Lady Round (Deborah)

Gay Vs. Straight:  The Mommy Round (Nicole)

Gay Vs. Straight:  The Mommy Round (Deborah)

Gay Vs. Straight:  The Wife Round (Nicole) 

Gay Vs. Straight:  The Wife Round (Deborah)

Good?  Caught up?  Excellent.  I shan’t delay a moment longer. 

PAT = NICOLE of NinjaMomBlog

CHRIS = DEBORAH of Peaches & Coconuts

Did you know all along?  Was that the funnest game you’ve played since that one time in college when you were drunk and someone pulled out a Twister mat?!?

We had a great time interviewing each other for your pleasure, and we’d like to end the series with a few more questions as our actual selves.  And here, for the last time unless you give us a standing ovation in which case we’ll have to come back for more, are our final questions and answers.

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Question:  What turned you gay?

Answer:  Vaginas.

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In the game of shoot, shag or marry, Player A presents Player B with three people.  From these three people (be they hideous or hot, animated or real, dead or alive), Player B must decide which one B would marry, shag and shoot.  It’s a game that can potentially cause a great deal of stress if given unbearable options, but we tried to take a light-hearted approach.  

Question:  Shoot, shag or marry Danny, Jesse and Joey from Full House?

Answer:  You would think I’d want to marry Danny because he had been married already and, therefore, was not unknowing to the intricacies and challenges of wedded life.  However, he has a dead wife and kids from the dead wife, which spells an awful lot of baggage.  So, he is not an obvious choice for a husband, and I have to start with someone else.  

Joey is a comedian, so it would make sense to wed a comedian who is able to maintain a good sense of humor in the face of adversity.  However, comedians are oft times using humor to cope with deep-seeded anger and dark mindedness.  And who needs two people in a relationship vying for the comedic spotlight?  Someone has to be the straight man, so to speak.

By commercial standards, Jesse is the cutest of the three (in the 80s), so you’d think he’d be my shag.  But if I have to shag outside my preferred gender, I don’t need cute.  I need able.  That brings me back to Danny who, in real life, is a kinky, sick mutha-effah  who is known for his foul sense of humor.  I won’t even link to my evidence, but if you are not sensitive about ANYTHING and if you are not currently eating, Google Bob Saget Atristocrats, and put your headphones on. I apologize ahead of time.  While I should be concentrating on Danny the character and not Bob the actor, I can’t help but be influenced by what I can never unknow and that is that Bob Saget is foul, and I kind of like that in a shag.  So I’ve got my shag.

Marry and shoot. 

Now, Jesse is Greek, and while I don’t care for olives or feta, I do have a soft spot in my heart for the Mediterranean peoples (see Italian wife, Gabriella).  I’m thinking we’ll share the same love for fine dining and beach vacations, and we’ll probably ogle the same women and share hair product.

So, I’ll just have to shoot Joey.  Sorry Joey.  I would have preferred to shoot eegit supreme, Mike Seaver.

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Challenge:  Surprise (or not so surprising) !  You have won the Nobel Peace Prize for the 'Gay Vs. Straight' series.  Please deliver your acceptance speech in the form of a limerick.

There once were two bloggers comedic

Who tackled tough questions with great shtick.

They tried to reveal

How straights and gays feel

Showing similarities no matter whom they lick.

Not bad for a month's worth of work. We cracked wise, explored poetic forms, discussed divorce, and fake-won a prize we have no business even writing about, never mind pretending to accept it in limerick. 

But more importantly, and we think we can all agree on this, we've added not a whit of sense to the marriage equality debate. Unless we've helped you, Gentle Readers, to realize that people are people, so why should it be that you and I should get along so awfully? You can thank us later for the Depeche Mode on repeat in your head. 

Whether you live in a blue state, a red state, or a state of confusion, we hope that one thing has become clear: gay or straight, no one thinks Coors Light is a real beer. It's foamy skunk water, and no matter how neat it would be to have a bullet train usher in a freak snowstorm in August, no one should drink Coors Light. 

Changing minds about Depeche Mode, Coors Light and marriage equality, one bad punchline after another. You're welcome, George Takei. 

Don't forget to check out Nicole's blog for the answers to her questions now that she's an out heterosexual, and thank you for tuning in and playing along.

The Backside of Theatah at Kinky Boots

We have not been to as many plays or musicals as we have in years past, and I have definitely felt the void in my gay, Jewish heart.  Taking Broadway out of the likes of me is like taking eucalyptus away from a koala bear.   And in case you didn’t know, koalas are mean.  They are the alligators of the trees. 

I didn’t realize how koala cranky I had become until I sat down in my seat to see Kinky Boots the other week.  As soon got to my seat with my purple, going-out-bag in my lap and my program perched against my bag, I felt like I was home.  Mostly because the lighting is really bad in my house, and I had arrived after the lights went down.  Also I love the theatah!

I don’t know nuthin bout writin’ no reviews, but I can tell you what I liked n stuff.  Billy Porter plays drag queen Lola, and he is phenomenal. 

He’s got this smoking voice - and by smoking I mean that he sounds like he’s been smoking a pack a day for 30 years.  And when I say it sounds like he’s been smoking a pack a day for 30 years, I don’t mean he sounds like that unfortunate woman on the commercial who has a blow hole in her neck from the smoking.  I mean he’s got this smoky voice that’s on the menthol side of raspy.  His sound is deep but airy like if his voice were a chocolate bar it would be an Aero. 

And if the show were chocolate it would be Cadbury's Fruit and Nut bar cause it’s based on a British film by the same name, and it’s filled with fruits and nuts…much like this blog - Peaches & Coconuts though coconuts are technically not nuts.  They are drupes.  I do my research, People.

Man I love Fruit and Nut bars.  When my neighbor, Mark, goes to London, he always brings me back a gine-ormous Fruit and Nut bar that I inhale before Gabriella can say Fruit and Nut bar.  I can’t be held responsible.  A Fruit and Nut bar for me is like, well, eucalyptus for a koala bear.  My neighbor is my dealer.  My enabler.  He’s my eneighblor. 

Ok so Kinky Boots.  Super fun, sweet story, uber talented cast, timeless message about love and acceptance and fantastic score!  See it people. 

Did I mention the backside?  You know, the behind the scenes magic that makes it realz?  My favorite stage manager Lois is at it again working the cues and making shit happen.  She’s married to my other favorite stage manager, but I haven’t been to her backside, yet.

Behind the scenes at Kinky Boots, you’ve got your sets and your costumes and your wigs and your hard working crew cleaning and sewing and creating and what not.  

But the winner of today’s post is Jason and his Romanoff Vodka.  Jason uses the vodka to clean and sterilize the drag queen knickers, the ball binders, the cock blockers, the scrote stuffers!  That’s right, a spritz of vodka to the gonad gusset, and the sweat evaporates with the alcohol leaving not a hint of the terrarium of sack sweat that collected throughout the show.  Amazing.  Move over Febreze!  There’s a new kid in town, and that new kid is none other than fermented potato juice.  Let’s drink a toast to dick-taters, Jason.  Why don’t you get your nozzle out of those clammy crotches and pour us a few?

I’m also going to drink a toast to the fantabulous Lois who knows how to treat a girl and a girl's girl and their friends and all lovers of theatah!  Thanks for the tour, Lois!

Lois says, "Go buy your tickets!"

And then she chillaxes in her pimped out orifice.

Gay Vs. Straight: The Wife Round

In a move sure to be heralded by NPR and FOX alike as “dumb,” Nicole of Ninja Mom Blog and myself give you the 2nd in a four part series: Gay vs. Straight!

Deborah’s an all-around funny lady, smart-ass and “fake”-married lesbian.

Nicole is a typo artist, goofball and legally-married straight gal.

Over the course of these 4 weeks, we are examining the history of tension between heterosexual and homosexual Americans in settings private and public, political and religious.

Psych! Instead of well-researched debate, we present you with a series of posts in which we anonymously answer probing questions like “Do you prefer massages from men or women?” Forcing you to wonder, which response is from the hetero chick, and which is from the homo lady.  Nicole will post 3 questions and answers, and I will post 3 additional questions and answers - meaning you have to check out each of our weekly posts to play.

Do we hope to change public perception of the imagined differences between people of opposing sexual natures, thereby winning ourselves a Nobel Peace Prize in blogging?  Do bees buzz?  Do birds sing?  Do these jeans make my butt look big?

From here on out we will go by the gender-free-for-all names: Chris and Pat. Good luck pinning the gayness on the metaphorical donkey. We’ll reveal each answer’s author in our final installment.  

See Nicole's 3rd round contribution here.

See my Lady Round here.
See my Mommy Round here.
See Nicole's Lady Round here.
See Nicole's Mommy Round here.

Gay Vs. Straight:  The Wife Round

1.  You are avoiding "mattress fun time" again. What excuse do you use to get out of a conjugal visit?

Chris

As per previous answer, my inner Peggy Bundy needs as much conjugality as possible.  My spouse is not my libidinal equal, so our conjugation is significantly contracted.  I may not have a repertoire of excuses, but I do have a reserve of batteries.

Pat

Herpes. Of the mouth, silly. If I really can't evade sexual healing via iPad use, I will claim mouth sores or the threat of them. I learned long ago that the secret to marital bliss is pretending that you don't want to spread an affliction you're faking to your partner. True for stomach bugs as well as STDS. 

2.  Who wears the Crocs in your relationship? What do you think that's a metaphor for?

Chris

Will Crocs go the way of tube tops and parachute pants?  My spouse and I both believe and hope that they will.  They are undeniably more funny-looking than they are practical, and we are in agreement that if we are going to wear fugly shoes, they’d better feel like we’re walking on kittens.*  I am grateful for this question for it reinforces our compatibility as a couple.  Who knows how our relationship might have deteriorated over the years had I married a Crocophile?

*no kittens were harmed in the answering of this question.

Pat

The only Crocs wearers in my house are the children and by "Crocs" I mean "Crocs lookalikes hanging from an end cap in the Target shoe section." But here's my confession. I page through the Crocs catalog every time it comes in the mail and think, "Well, those are kinda cute!" I estimate I have less than three years before I start wearing grown-up Crocs and pretending that they are legitimate shoes for adults instead of what they really are, a sign that you're approaching 15 years of marriage and that your feet are the starting line from which you will begin shuffling toward fashion indifference.

3.  In an ideal world, which spouse should die first?

Chris

If left to my own devices, I’ll surely become that crazy old lady who talks to herself and poops in the bushes.  If my spouse goes first, I’ll have no one to listen my old lady ramblings, and there will not be anyone to tell people that I’m an avid gardener who understands the benefits of natural fertilizer.  My spouse had better stick around.  If the insurance policy were worth more, I might have answered differently.  Also, funerals are a drag.  I’d prefer not to attend.

Pat
In an ideal world we will have elective suicide and subsequent cryogenic immortality at the same time. Not because I suffer from any revivification delusions, but because the only way we can torture our kids and their progeny (and theirs, and theirs) is to legally bind them to pay for the maintenance of our frozen corpses. Barring that, I'd better die last. I'm the only one who knows our login info for our online banking. 

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The battle of wits has begun, sayeth the Man in Black to Vizzini. Have you studied enough of your own kind and the kind of others to be able to accurately identify who said what?  Luckily, for all of us, death is not on the line.  Pride, honor and bragging rights, however, are indeed for the taking.  Did Chris and Pat fulfill your every notion of hetero and homo thinking, or did their answers cause you to question your own sexuality?  It happens.  Keep a running tally, and all will be revealed after our last post in the series.  Then you will learn how well your Gaydars and Straightscopes are working.

No fair guessing who's who if you have inside 
information!  Cheaters never prosper. NEVER.

The series is almost over!  Next week we reveal who's Chris and who's Pat and wrap it up with something we intend to be poignant and impactful but that will more likely have typos and mixed metaphors.

In the meantime, if you're in the New York area on Sunday, 

meet me at Listen To Your Mother!  WIN TIX HERE.

Or, if you're in Nicole's neck of the woods - that would be 

In-Diana (been there), GO SEE HER ON STAGE at Listen 

To Your Mother NW Indiana.  You can also WIN TIX HERE.