Debriefing Diversity Day

Having had diversified, I packed up my rainbows and headed home in the rain.

It was difficult to believe that we had only spent 4 hours at the Diversity Fair at Asher’s elementary school when we finally made it home. I was exhausted from representing The Gays to small children and their parents. I handed out goodies and smiled at every delightful child and tried unsuccessfully to pry Asher off of my person and get him to explore the other tables on his own.

Asher showed me the passport he received when we got to the fair. I explained that he was supposed to go to every table and get a sticker or stamp from each station. There was a continent on every page, and the children would learn where all the countries sat on the maps-because most of the tables represented countries; England, Norway, Mexico, Ethiopia, Turkey, etc.

“Where does your sticker go in my passport?” The children asked. “Yes, well, we can put a rainbow sticker on any page you like because there are rainbows ALL over the world.” I made eye contact with the mom from India as she escorted her daughter to all the tables and whispered, “Our People are in India, too, but we might have a much lower profile so we don’t get arrested,” I laughed to show that oppression in fundamentalist countries doesn’t turn my gay smile upside down. She laughed with me. I’m pretty confident she didn’t understand a word I said.

One of the girls from the Ethiopia Table ran over to check us out. “Which country is this? Is this Rainbow Land?” “Yes, my child. This is Rainbow Land where the sun always shines, the flowers are in full bloom, there is no war or poverty or hunger, and everyone is happy and gay.” No, I didn’t really say that. She made numerous trips back to my table because we did scratch-art projects to joyful music and handed out rainbow lollies and rainbow coloured peace sign necklaces, and she thought Rainbow Land was the best place to be. I couldn’t agree more.

It didn’t surprise me that children were unfamiliar with Rainbow Land. Our own family rarely ever discusses our gayhood. We live in an area where there are lots of people from Rainbow Land, and it all seems quite ordinary. So I was thrown off guard when the occasional parent asked me what my table was supposed to be. I do tend to forget that you can actually live here in Gayville and never have the pleasure of making our company.

“You don't get it, really?" I wanted to say. I had a huge rainbow flag hanging behind me and a poster that said Celebrate Diversity surrounded by photos of same-sex parents with their kids. There were a few books on the table like Todd Parr’s Family Book, King and King and And Tango Makes Three - the true story of the male chinstrap penguins, Roy and Silo, who raised a baby penguin together in the Central Park Zoo. I wondered if it would have been more clear if I had brought a brochure for R Family Vacations or maybe if I a t-shirt with this image:

My faith was restored when one mom stopped by and perused the literature. She was with her husband, but she was no stranger to Rainbow Land.

Mom: And Tango Makes Three! What a wonderful book.

Deborah: Isn’t it?

M: You do know what happened to those penguins Roy and Silo, don’t you?

D: ....no, what?

M: After 6 years, they split up.

D: They did?!?

M: Yup. Sad.

Way to rain on my gay parade, Lady.

Of course, I immediately surfed the web to find articles about the family. Turned out a couple of hostile penguins kicked Roy and Silo out of their nest. Clearly they were extremist right-WING penguins who were threatened by gay penguin love. And as if losing their home wasn’t enough, some tramp penguin named Scrappy from SeaWorld showed up and whored her way into Silo’s heart.

We certainly can’t expect that all gay couples are going to make it-not even chinstrap penguins. Their break up does not take away from the 6 years they had together or the family they created with Tango-who is a lesbian now, by the way. A pengbian? There are 4 other same-sex couples at the zoo including Tango. What’s in the water over there, and can we bottle it up for resale?

In the end, I’m not entirely sure that all the kids really understood that Rainbow Land was all about gay families. I didn’t greet each child with, “Welcome to the LGBTQ Table!” Nor did I ask each parent to sign a petition to legalize gay marriage. We celebrated rainbows and had a gay ol’ time. That’s about all this gay mom can muster for the Kindergarten through 2nd grade population. Everyone else can read the blog.

Raffle winners

It has only been a week since I was fired from WTF.com after an unsuccessful attempt to gas me to death. Funny enough, I don’t miss it.

Now I can focus on finding a normal job and doing mom stuff. The first thing on my mom stuff list is awarding the much deserved raffle prizes to my devoted readers and voters. Thanks goes out to Levi for donating his President's Day bank that he made in preschool for the raffle drawing. We agreed that it was the perfect receptacle for our honest and fair drawing.
According to Kelly at The Lesbian Lifestyle, I will receive the DVDs, soundtrack and T-shirt from Enlightenment Productions at the end of the month/beginning of next at which time I will be able to send them on to the winners. Please send your address details to deborah (at) peachesandcoconuts (dot) com.

Congratulations to:

RHEA – The World Unseen DVD
TAMARA – I Can’t Think Straight DVD
CHRISSY – I Can’t Think Straight Soundtrack
ALIX – I Can’t Think Straight T-shirt

PENCIL – Peaches & Coconuts T-shirt or thong
SUNSOAKERB – Peaches & Coconuts T-shirt or thong

Next on the agenda: The Diversity Fair at Asher’s elementary school. Tomorrow is the big day, and I need to hustle and make sure that I have everything I need for the Gay Table. Rejoining the stay-at-home world affords me some time to do last minute hunting and gathering for cheap, family-friendly gay things. Thankfully, I’ve got rainbows on my side because I’m not sure that handing out labryses would be either appropriate or safe.

I did my best to help Yid Table Mom with ideas. She wasn’t sure she had an Israeli Flag anywhere, so I suggested she hang a banner that says, “WE KILLED JESUS”. That should attract some attention. She was stressed about the food.

Yid Table Mom: Gabriella’s serving pizza at the Italian Table? That’s perfect! What am I supposed to do? Jewish food?

Deborah: What do you mean, YTM? Order Chinese food!

YTM: I think I’m going to pick up some rugelach instead.
D: Well, as one surgeon said to the other, ‘Suture-self”. Maybe for your activity, you could teach everyone how to make a good pun...or how to perform a circumcision. You can borrow the labrys I was going to bring.

YTM: What are you going to do for your activity?

D: We’re going to rally for gay marriage. I’m going to have all the children carry banners and march around the cafetorium chanting, “Gay, straight, black, white, marriage is a civil right!” Either that or “Justicia ahora!” Then we’ll all convene back at the table and sign letters to our elected officials.

YTM: Really?

D: Um, no.

Sacked

Fired. Sacked. Made redundant. Set Free!! I was at WTF.com long enough to change the health benefits policy to recognize Civil Union partners but not long enough to lose my mind completely. WTF.com and I were mismatched at best, and I was clearly not the only one who thought so. Last Thursday, I was officially and very politely fired. If I could have skipped home, I would have, but there were too many people in my path outside of Popeye’s, so I chose to circumvent the hungry masses and head straight for my mini-van and get the F out of the City of the Great Unwashed. My mini-van never looked so good.

It was only a week ago that the general manager of WTF.com directed us all to pack up our things as soon as possible and work from home due to the “strange odor” making everyone sick. I had no idea to what she was referring until I stood up to collect my things and WHAM! It was as if someone rammed my head inside my laptop case, zipped it shut and spun me around faster than an Olympic figure skater’s scratch spin. WTF indeed! I drove home on the highway with the windows down opting for the frozen, polluted air to whatever had poisoned my body at the office. I was stoned in a very bad way. It may have been a delusion, but I recall finding the boys playing quietly and cooperatively when I got home, so I was able to pop some ibuprofen and lay my head on the cold counter top until the brain-fog dissipated.

That evening, after the nausea passed, I was able to log on to my work account to see if there was any word about the strange odour. All the WTF.com employees received an email that our local gas company PSE&G discovered that, in fact, the boilers were leaking carbon monoxide. Not to fear because WTF.com turned off the boilers and opened all the windows and aired out of the office. We were all to return to work the next morning dressed warmly so PSE&G could test the boilers WHILE WE WERE ON SITE!

There are a handful of situations in life that give this Jewish girl pause. I have already confessed to you my discomfort with seat warmers in German cars. I prefer not to consider the history behind the excellence of their technology. Add to my list of aversions an invitation to a mass gassing. I began writing the imaginary letter that would excuse me from traumatic dramatizations of genocide until I realized that I had a few business meetings lined up that would keep me out of the office anyway. But I thought to myself, “Self, WTF?”

After the poisoned clouds parted and the fumes were absorbed into the ozone layer, the birds sang once more, and the week took a turn for the better. I celebrated a glorious anniversary with my lady-friend. Another wedding shot for you- Gabriella brought home the most exquisite bouquet of flowers and made a reservation at a local restaurant we had been meaning to try. At dinner, I learned that we had won The Lezzy Awards Best Personal Blog which turned an already wonderful evening into a spectacularly glorious one. And the next morning, I was tired and happy when I arrived at work only to be told that it would be my last day. Thank you, WTF.com for giving me a job when I needed it and booting me out when I needed that more.

So what’s next? I’m sure I don’t know. I’ll take some time to simply appreciate being at home-reunited with my jeans and breathing fresh, carbon-monoxide free air--well as fresh as it gets in New Jersey, anyway.

By the by, I have not forgotten that I owe some lucky few raffle prizes. You'll forgive me, but I have recently been poisoned and laid-off. I will announce the winners very soon, and I thank you for your patience.

We rocked it!

I AM F-ING SHOCKED!! WE WON!! Peaches & Coconuts is officially The Lesbian Lifestyle’s Best Personal Blog 2009, and I am SHOCKED! I realize that reaction is not the most eloquent way of saying, “Thank you for voting. This win belongs to YOU!” But, I’m just so shocked! Of course, I’m proud of Ps&Cs, and I think I’ve got a good thing going, but really, have you read the other blogs?!? Quality, I tell you. I’m not fishing-honest! (insert your own joke about lesbians and fish here). I’m saying that Up Popped a Fox and Just Like Jesse James are formidable and worthy of your time.

The good news for Vikki at Up Popped a Fox is that she won Best Parenting Blog, and she absolutely deserved it. Jesse James is new to me, but I’m grateful to The Lezzys for the introduction. This blog is definitely one to watch. Anyone who references Cher as often as Jesse James is a bit of alright in my book!

And now, huge props and a standing O to the winners of this year’s Lezzy Awards! Just when I thought I could not possibly follow one more tweet or blog, along come the likes of this year’s winners who have enriched minds and entertained and provided us all with beautifully honest and multifarious, lesbian perspectives. Thank you Kelly at TLL for reminding us every year that we talented lezzzzzies are making a mark in this world, one lesbian blog at a time.

Entertainment/Culture: Dorothy Surrenders
Humor: Grace the Spot
Engagement/Wedding: My Big Fat Gay Wedding
Feminist/Political: Feministing.com
Out Later in Life: Making Space
Sex/Short Story/Erotica: Sugarbutch Chronicles
New Lesbian Blog: Autostraddle
Podcast: The Lesbian Lounge
Lifetime Achievement: After Ellen

Congratulations, Mazel Tov, Auguri and Mabrook!

Is Peaches & Coconuts really the Best Personal Blog? Rhetorical question. What I do know more than ever now is that the Peaches & Coconuts readers are incredibly supportive and loyal and clearly relentless. You people rock! You know that, right?

“We rock? You whine and beg for votes, and you hound us for days and what do we get for our efforts? The pleasure of reading your blog? Gee, thanks!”

How quickly they turn.

My sweet sugar snap peas, I would never leave you with praise alone. Words can be so empty. Hellloooo oooo oooo oooo! See?

For those of you just tuning in, I offered up the DVDs, soundtrack and t-shirt from Enlightenment Productions as raffle prizes for anyone who commented on entries related to The Lezzy Awards prior to this particular one. I will have the results of that drawing next week.

“But what about the rest of us, Deborah? There will be a lucky few, but there were so many of us who voted and sometimes even read your blog. What do we get?”

I’m sorry. Are you whining? So unattractive. Here’s the deal, Lucille. I don’t make any money off this blog. If I did, I’d get all Oprah or Ellen on you. I’d give away golf clubs and Subarus. But I don’t. Yet, I do feel there’s so much more I could do to please you as you have pleased me, oh worthy voters. At times, I feel the urge to raffle off my first born child. In those moments, I’m not so sure if that particular prize is a reward or a punishment. I do have a little something else up my sleeve, however. Two additional winners chosen from comments in prior Lezzy posts AND this one will have their choice of a Peaches & Coconuts t-shirt or a pair of thong underwear. That’s right, thong underwear. You will also have the option of adorning your item with both a peach and a coconut or the coconut on its own or the peach on its own. Having trouble deciding? Read this entry to determine your inner fruit or nut.

I wish it could be more, and I hope someday it will be. In the meantime, my blog is your blog, and I welcome you with open arms and a cheeky smile. Thank you.

Feeling fine at year nine!

This is the penultimate LEZZY post-the ultimate being the post I compose after all is said and done. Voting ends at midnight on the 2nd, and I'll address you all in the aftermath of The Lezzys. (VOTE HERE) Thanks to everyone who voted and is still voting for Peaches & Coconuts again and again and put up with my pleas and reminders. Your support is truly humbling.

Winners of THE LEZZY AWARDS will be announced on March 3rd on My Lesbian Radio live on The Lesbian Lounge Podcast. To listen, go to mylesbianradio.com and click on LISTEN NOW on March 3rd at 9pm ET. You do not need to register, and you do not need to be a lesbian. I’m pretty certain that there is no way of determining whether or not your IP address comes from a gay household...yet.

On that evening, however, I will not be listening to the live podcast. It’s not that I don’t want to hear which phenomenal lesbians have been voted this year’s best of the best. Win or lose, I’ve made it to the podium in two categories, and I’m beyond proud. I can’t get all bent out of shape if I don’t get the Gold. All I have to do is watch the fearless performances of the Olympians this year to remind myself how lucky I am to have landed in the top 3 of my “sport”. All the Olympic medallists and all the competitors who qualified to compete in the Olympics on behalf of their countries are worthy of our respect and millions of dollars in endorsements...as are all of the finalists of The Lezzy Awards who are committed to informing and entertaining and connecting us all with rainbow coloured blogs.

I will not be listening in along with my colleagues because the evening of the 3rd of March is our 9th wedding anniversary-not to be confused with the day we first officially started dating almost 16 years ago or the date marking our Domestic Partnership or the anniversary of our Civil Union or even our federally recognized wedding in Canada last summer. No. The 3rd of March was the date that we pulled out all the stops, spent money we didn’t have and hosted a full-on wedding with friends and family in grand style. Of all the anniversaries we have collected, this is the one that is so meaningful to us that we will go out in the middle of the week, spend a fortune on a sitter and dinner and celebrate until all hours in spite of how exhausted, and maybe even a tad bit hung-over, we will be the next morning when the kids wake up at the crack of ass and we both have to drag ourselves into work.

It has to be done-especially now that we have children who suck the living soul out of us on a good day. We must have an evening to ourselves to relive and rediscover the romance that definied that day 9 years ago. I will never forget how electric I felt all night dancing with Gabriella and celebrating with so many treasured friends and family members. I will also never forget how fit I was at the time. sigh. And now, we are suburban mummies whose weekends are strictly family-friendly.

We took the boys bowling on Saturday. We were desperate to find something to do that did not involve snow pants. They had a great time, of course. Asher focused on our scores the entire time, and Levi could not have been more enthusiastic about every ball he bowled and kicked down the lane.

Gabriella: I had a pink bowling ball once. I wonder where it is.

Deborah: You had your own bowling ball? You mean you bowled on a regular basis?

G: I was on a league. The girls bought me that pink bowling ball one year.

D: What?!? A ringer in my own house, and I had not a clue. When was this?

G: Well, I’m no ringer. I didn’t bowl nearly as well as the other girls.

D: Who are you?

G: Those were the same girls on my softball team.

D: And you wonder why people are surprised to learn that I dragged you out of the closet.

It’s true. When I met Gabriella, she was not a carpet-crunching lesbian. She was simply a bowling, soft-ball playing straight girl who worked in Technology. Hm. Well, as I always explain to anyone who wonders how I could have lured my straight little lady-friend from the hills of Sicily to the lesbo-side, I have a sales background, and I’m that good. “Good at sales, you mean?” Perhaps.

See you on the other side of The Lezzies!

I don't care for numb-buns

I’ve had it up to my gray roots with this winter! The season set in early, and it has been cold, wet and long, and I’m over it. My toes are always cold. My nose needs to be defrosted. And my tush! I’ve got numb-buns, and I don’t care for it.

Relevant tangent. Asher’s teachers called me in to discuss a few challenges Asher is facing this year in kindergarten. Apparently, he hasn’t figured out what the square root of 144 is or something on an equally ridiculous par. In any event, they felt the need to call to my attention to the fact that sometimes Asher resists change. Huh. Go figure. And that when he does not choose to participate in Writing Workshop he simply leaves his paper blank and says, “I don’t care for that.” They shared numerous examples of Asher’s uncooperative behaviour mostly so that they could repeat that Asher “doesn’t care for” many things. I, personally, love that Asher expresses how he feels in a polite manner and uses that particular phrase. He may get beaten up on the playground for it, but he’ll always score mensch-points with the grown-ups. If I were in kindergarten, I don’t know that I would care for Writing Workshop either. I recall playing, cutting paper and singing the alphabet song. Isn't that enough?

My point being that in our family, there are many things for which we do not care. Asher does not care to participate in activities that stress him out, and I don’t care for numb-buns. I will remind you that heat is a luxury in this village of old, drafty homes without insulation. And if it’s a choice between cable television and heat, well we’re going to opt for high-speed internet, HD TV with a DVR on our 42 inch flat screen. (insert Snap-Snap-Snap in Z-formation) That’s just the way we roll.

For the first time in my life, I’m sleeping with socks on. I don’t care for socks in bed, but I feel that it is a necessary evil while the thermostat is set at Polar Degrees. I drink gallons of tea every day just to steam my face over the mug of hot water. Furthermore, I had to give up evening sessions of The Hooter Game. That’s where I casually whip out one boob while we’re watching HD TV on our flat screen television, and I count how many minutes it takes Gabriella to notice that one of the Ladies is on display. Just before the winter set in, she had achieved a personal best of 3.35 minutes, but now I just have to keep everyone covered until spring.

And tonight, we await yet another snow storm. Apparently, we’re in for strong winds and 18 inches of snow. I will get a phone call at 5:30 in the morning from a recorded administrator announcing that school is cancelled. I really don’t care for a call at 5:30 in the morning or the cancellation of school. I will stay home with the children, and we will plan our day in the snow. We will then spend more time dressing for the elements than actually playing in the blizzard. One child will throw a snow ball that accidentally finds the other child’s cheek and eventually drips down his neck. There will be tears, and our day in the snow will be cancelled prematurely. We will make hot chocolate, and I will allow the boys to play on the Wii for hours. I’m waiting for a special occasion – like tomorrow's snow day – to present Asher with the new Wii Curling game I got for him in honour of the Olympics. Something tells me he’s going to be a natural. The boy's got skills.
It won’t be a bad day. In fact, I look forward to spending time with the boys and wearing jeans all day. I miss my jeans now that I’m a working mom. I’m just tired of the snow and the cold and my numb-buns.

Thank goodness for the LEZZY AWARDS. It warms my heart to be a finalist. At least I've got a warm organ. Don’t forget to VOTE HERE and verify your vote with the link sent to your email address. If you add a comment, your name will go into the prize draw should we win.

Be cool. Stay warm.

My win is your win

You may or may not have noticed that some of the Lezzy Award prizes come from my dear friends Hanan & Shamim over at Enlightenment Productions. They graciously donated prizes for each LEZZY AWARD category winner.

Thanks to my uber talented and stunning friends, included in the prizes this year are:

- The World Unseen DVD
- I Can't Think Straight DVD
- Soundtrack for I Can't Think Straight, and
- An I Can't Think Straight t-shirt

Now, because I am a fan and friend to Hanan & Shamim, I already own each of these fantastic prizes. And because I am not a selfish person (except when it comes to peanut M&Ms) mmmmmm....I would like to share in my win-should I win, of course. To win one of the prizes listed, please visit vote for Peaches and Coconuts HERE and verify your vote in the email sent to your email address. After you have voted for P&C, add a comment on my site here or in any blog entry referring to this year's LEZZY AWARDS.

I will enter you in a drawing, and I will randomly give away each prize to 4 deserving and supportive and might I say gorgeous voters. 4 prizes-4 winners. Only your names will go into the drawing, and I will recruit some 3rd party officials to keep it completely fair. No need to butter me up though a pat of butter is like a pat on the back-both of which I appreciate. Remember, you can't win if P&C doesn't win, so get voting! You may vote once every 24 hours thru the 2nd of March, but you need only add a comment one time to enter the prize draw. If you already voted and commented, consider yourself entered...in the prize drawing, of course.

Thank you and Good Luck!