Birthdays in the Mist

I have carpal tunnel from writing out invitations and envelopes for Asher’s birthday party. Such a stressful event. We’re still at that age where we invite everyone from class regardless of compatibility. That might not be how it’s done in your neighbourhood, but there are strict rules one must follow in these parts. Lord, have mercy upon you if you disregard Birthday Party Protocol! You should have received the manual upon the birth (or adoption) of your first child.

There’s one child Asher asked me not to invite to his party, and I had to explain that we could not exclude anyone from class. He felt better once I clarified that they didn’t have to play together on the day. For any of my regular readers from pre-school, I can almost guarantee that you don’t know which child it is. I was more than surprised when he asked me not to invite this child, and I’m pretty sure he’ll change his mind, so don’t hurt yourselves trying to figure out who it was.

I wouldn’t mind paring down the guest list. It’s not that I don’t want to pay an outrageous amount of money per head for a party no one will remember in 2 months time, but Asher just doesn’t like that many people. And when the Reciprocity Rule comes round (Paragraph 12, section E: “you can’t receive without giving-again and again and again”), I’ll be dragging him to each and every birthday party to follow under protest. The only consolation for him is the cake, and he can only have some if he stops whining about how much he doesn’t want to go. Such a mean mom am I to force him to go to a birthday party! But that’s what you do, damn it, because Mom is representing.

I was not a happy camper when Gabriella dropped the birthday party ball and completely tainted my Mom-Cred. Asher was invited to a party on a weekend when I was going to be out of town. I told the birthday boy’s mom that we’d be there, but I didn’t tell her that Gabriella would be bringing Asher. Day of the party, Gabriella makes an executive decision not to attend and doesn’t call the host. Paragraph 9, section C of the manual clearly states that, “it is categorically unacceptable to miss a birthday party for which you have already secured a place excepting n the case of lice, fever or loss of a family pet. In an event of a no-show, a phone call is required and delivery of a gift the next day is highly recommended.” Working parent error. Until you’re living in the mist with the gorillas, you can’t be expected to understand. It’s a jungle out there!

The whole megillah is a test for parents. We are the ones planning the parties, inviting the guests and buying the gifts. Kudos if you RSVP within two days of receiving the invitation. Extra credit if you ask a parent what the birthday boy or girl would like for their birthday before you actually buy the gift. Bonus points if your child crafts his/her own Happy Birthday card. And now we’ve got the added pressure to do Good!


“Little Amber requests that you bring a gift that we can donate to in order to give to those less fortunate than we are.”

“In lieu of party favours, our Brian will plant a tree in the rainforest in the name of each of his guests.”

“Given that we will be taking blood instead of accepting gifts at Max’s party, please wear comfortable clothing so we can easily pull up sleeves to access veins. Bandages will be provided.”

Screw it! Asher has a wish list a mile long, and we’re going to get him a few things that are on it. Let the kid enjoy a few presents before we saddle him with the weight of the world, thank you very much. He sacrifices every day when he has to share his trains with his brother. Shees!

Invitations are ready to go. I didn’t get thank you cards just yet. The very helpful woman at the stationary store suggested I buy pre-printed thank you cards. “I’m so glad you came to my 5th birthday party. Thank you for the _____________”. You just fill in the blank with the gift item. Convenient, simple, but I couldn’t do it. Until Asher is writing his own cards, I’ve got to make the effort to pen a few words of thanks. “No thank you,” I told her, “My son has the first birthday party of the school year, and I’ve got to set the bar high.” We both had a good laugh, but I was only sort of kidding.