Lessons in bits

Some parents bath or shower with their kids. We were never so inclined. The thought of my kid poking and pulling at my parts just never appealed to me, and being the micro-thinker that I am, I can’t get past the technicalities. How do we both get out of the tub and dry off and dress in a quick and easy fashion? Another reason I chose to shower by myself is that it used to be the only time of day that I could guarantee that I’d be alone. I could run through my list of things to do or come up with brilliant ideas for new inventions or just be with myself with no interruption. I’d share some of my amazing inventions with you, but I’ve got to find a patent lawyer, first. This was all before Levi came into the picture.

It’s 7am and the boys are still sleeping. Such a rare treat. Asher was our uber sleeper, once upon a time. He went to bed at 7pm, woke up between 8:30 and 9am and napped for at least 3 hours in the middle of the day. I confess that when he was awake, I counted the hours before he would be asleep again. The first 3 years with Asher were rocky but that’s the stuff of another blog. We’re good now.

I’d wake up each morning at about 7/7:30 so that I could take a shower, dress and make breakfast for Asher before he woke up. Sometimes, I could even do some reading. I was never a morning person, but I did learn to appreciate my quiet mornings alone.

Levi wakes up between 6 and 6:30am which I do understand is an absolutely normal time for a kid to get up. I try not to complain, but it’s an adjustment. Our schedules never changed much with Asher because we were able to stay up late at night watching really bad reality tv and still get enough sleep. I know, “bad reality tv” is totally redundant. My mornings are no longer my own. I know that a few minutes into my shower, Levi will appear and pull the shower curtain back and say, “Hiiiiiii!!!!!” Too cute to be irritated, I say, “Hiiiiiii!!!!” And I take my shower with the curtain pulled back, the cold air hitting my skin the entire time while the rest of the family sleeps.

L: “Bubb – o!”

Me: “Yes, bubbles from the soap! All clean.”

L: “Ah-keen. Weh”

Me: “Yes, wet! The water is wet.”

L: “Ca-foo”

Me: “That’s right. Be careful. Don’t slip!”

L: “Wii-iiiii”

Me: “No, that’s not a willy. Mom has a vagina.”

L: “GI – NA!”

I know it’s not PC to say, but I’m embarrassed. I should be one of those moms who displays her body proudly and teaches her children that their bodies are beautiful and that there is no reason to be ashamed. But that’s not the way I was raised. I don’t want them to be ashamed of their bodies, and I don’t want them to feel that there is something taboo about their bits. I compensate by smiling and allowing Levi to point and move dangerously close to my parts. Truth be told, I’m somewhat relieved to get this biology lesson out of the way.

As far as I know, Asher still does not know what a vagina is. I don’t know how this happened. It’s not as if he doesn’t have vaginas around him. We always dressed in front of him in order to give him the opportunity to ask. No questions about boobs or vaginas. Nothing. We’re a don’t-ask, don’t tell kind of family. When our children are ready to learn about something, they’ll ask, and we’ll give them as much honest information as they need to know. But at 5 years old, we’re thinking maybe we missed an opportunity. Now he’s going to have to learn it on the streets from some 5 year old whore who wants to show him hers if he shows her his. Do I really need to stand in front of my kid, knickers at my knees, bush exposed and say, “Hey, Asher. When you’ve got a minute, I was wondering if you could tell me what THIS is.” I think not.

We went to a friend’s house the other day where there was a painting of a nude woman. Levi spotted it from a far, walked right up to it and proudly said, “GI-NA!” So proud. But that’s life with a toddler who watches you shower. The 5 year old who slept through biology will just have to learn it from that whore down the street.