Muff-o-lotta

It’s no secret that I have a dirty mouth and a love for the profane. It can’t be that much of surprise to anyone who was raised in a sheltered, oppressive environment like mine. As a child, swearing was a legal way for me to let loose. Over time, I developed my craft. There is such a thing as swearing too much, I learned. I figured out when to keep my comments to myself. I knew which words or phrases were appropriate in specific situations. And I knew my audience. I knew which words would shock and which would amuse. I didn’t always get it right, and even now I make a bad call occasionally. But I still find joy in the act.

I try really hard not to swear in front of my children. Instead of saying “GOD F-ING DAMMIT”, I now say, Oh my gosh! We don’t say “stupid” or “shut-up”, and I feel that my kids are safe from most verbal pollution. I confess that I slip every now and then. I know this because I was the only one to blame when I heard Asher say, “Dammit” a few months ago in perfect context. I tried to ignore it. Then when he repeated the offense, I tried to tell him that he got the word wrong and that surely he meant to say “Darn it”. He didn’t buy it. Once again, television saved my ass. Thank you Higglytown Heroes for introducing the phrase, “OH PICKLES!” When I heard it, I laughed, and Asher being the pleaser that he is, instantly adopted it as his own. It lasted for a little while, but I think that after I stopped laughing every time he said it, he lost interest. He hasn’t used it recently, but he hasn’t said “Dammit” either. "Whew! Next time, it won't be so easy, so let's not allow a next time," I tell myself.

They Might Be Giants singing for Higglytown Heroes


A few of my favourite curses are those from foreign languages. I can repeat these offensive words incessantly because they sound like cute made-up words to me while those who speak whatever language I’m defiling cringe with every mention. Gabriella curses (pun intended) the day that she taught me the string of nasty Sicilian words that I have never forgotten and often use in her presence. I've used some of the juicy ones as terms of endearment for her though I do need to be careful when using them in public. She ignores me which, as I have mentioned previously, is an admirable skill that is required in all successful relationships. Hey! Were you listening to me just now?!? Oh forget it.

Sometimes, I feel I’m doing community service work. There are so many people living in the civilized world who just can’t bring themselves to use bad words. I’m not talking about those pure of mind and mouth who never swore or have always thought profanities to be base and foul. I’m speaking about the remaining 97.6% of the world’s population (give or take) who enjoy using or hearing naughty language especially when it is used creatively. Thoughtfully. Poetically. That’s where I come in. You don’t have to go there. I’ll do it for you. I’m the one who ALWAYS takes the conversation to the lowest level possible. I’m that wise-ass who is quick to shout out, “Liquor? You liquor, you brought her!” You know you’re thinking it. I’m just getting it out of the way for everyone. You're welcome.

And so, when my friend and neighbour told me about his occupation; when he explained to me what his company produces- I begged him to let me take it to the blog. I don’t care if it makes me look immature or low class. The fact is that I do it for all of you who deserve a little dirty tittering in your day. I speak the words that would not otherwise be spoken. But, in this case, the words are spoken, and I am calling attention to them in the most sophomoric way I know. Hats off to my neighbour who is my Higglytown Hero for presenting me with what I deem one of the best places to work—ever! Thank you, Matthias, for giving me more MUFF than a girl could ever hope to have in a lifetime. BEHOLD! ELECTRO-HARMONIX: The distributors of MUFFS! ...and other guitar related thingies I know nothing about. An innocent product line with naughty names.

How can one begin to choose from a line of guitar distortion pedals with names like: Big Muff Pi, Metal Muff, Double Muff, English Muff’n, Muff Overdrive and Big Muff Pi with Tone Wicker? Wicker?? You Wicker! You brought her!

A demo by a man who clearly loves muff. And who can blame him?


There is little else that need be or should be said, I’m sure you would agree. This won’t, however, be the last of it. Something tells me that the proprietor of Electro-Harmonix might be open to partnership opportunities. Who amongst you would not love to wear a Little Big Muff Pi t-shirt? Or own a desk-top calendar with a Muff Of The Day? And surely there needs to be a Facebook quiz you can take that could tell you which Muff you are. Or maybe I’ll just dub myself-Hair Pi Peach Muff. And you?