Breaking up is hard to do

I envy the life of a working parent occasionally. When Gabriella did have a job, she would leave the house and get a grown-up cup of coffee and talk to grown-ups about grown-up things on the train and then spend the day at work with other grown-ups talking about grown-up things. She earned a respectable income working in a grown-up world. She impressed friends at dinner parties with her grown-up sounding job title. I find that the longer and more innocuous the title, the more impressive it sounds-as long as “Special Projects” is not included. “Special Projects” is another way of saying, I am involuntarily one foot out the door, and someone is going to shove me right out as soon as my back is turned. Then again, “Special Projects” still sounds better than “I’m home with the kids”. I’m not fishing. I’m just saying-

Grass is always greener, I realize. There are plenty of working parents who envy the life of the stay-at-home parent. They miss spending quality time with their kids, and they might even miss spending time with their partners. If you’re a single income family like we are, there’s a lot of pressure for that working parent to support the family-make good money-stay employ...oops. Sorry, honey. And I do appreciate the “perks” of my gig. I run my own shop. I don’t have to worry about job security, and I can wear the same pair of jeans day after day until they start walking on their own. What? My knickers are clean!

I whinge a lot about the mind-numbing day-to-day chore of raising small children. Some people thrive at home with their kids. Arts & crafts projects, field-trips, educational games, extra-curricular cultural activities-they are deliriously happy to participate in the miracle of child development with their precious children, and the things they can do with a the cardboard paper towel tube would blow your mind. I have to stay clear of these parents. I am in awe, but they make me feel bad. I choose, instead, to roll with other parents who don’t look at an over-tired, whining 5 year old and see a teaching opportunity.

Another challenge I face at home with the littles is that I don’t have my people around me-my grown up people. We moved here 2 years ago, and I had to find new people-people who only knew me as a mini-van driving stay-at-home mother. Gabriella had only to find her way to the Starbucks and the New Jersey Transit train. My problem-I’m not just a people person, I’m a People Whore. I need people, so I’ll dive right in fast and furiously. And I’m not very discerning at first which gets me into trouble. Part of my dysfunction is compounded by the fact that I’m at home with the children, and I’m desperate to have grown-up conversation. I’m thinking I wouldn’t rush in if I had the benefit of grown-up company as a working parent.

So, my first point of call, mothers. Now, just because you have kids, you can’t assume that you’ll be fast friends. It’s also difficult to ascertain how much you have in common during a play-date because it’s virtually impossible to complete a sentence when you’ve got little kids. If your kids don’t get along, you can kiss that friend good-bye until your children are in school and you can find time to meet up without them. Or you can schedule evening time with a new friend and your partners. You really have to want to make the effort if you’re going to try to co-ordinate 4 schedules and sacrifice one of your evenings for people you don’t know when the odds are you won’t all get along anyway. And, no matter how much in common you have with someone you’re first getting to know, you just don’t know who’s going to end up with the last key at the end of the day. Allow me to explain.

Everything I learned about relationships, I learned from Tila Tequila. You may have missed this in-depth look at romance and the psyche of the modern, single woman if you had mistakenly tuned in to public television. In fact, it was MTV that aired the emotional highs and lows of a young woman in search of love and the suitors who fought to win her heart. Some viewers cast aspersions claiming that the series was nothing more than an excuse to parade scantily clad men and women on national television engaging in behaviour that was arguably um, trashy and definitely not fit for viewers under the age of 16. This may be so, but there were lessons to be learned. If you missed them, you were clearly to blame for allowing yourself to be distracted by girls dancing around in thong bikinis and men whose abs were much more impressive than their personalities. Shame on you!

If you are not familiar with the program A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila, the premise is simple. All of Tila’s suitors are given a key in the beginning of the program. Over the course of the series, Tila gets to know everyone better, deeper. Her admirers compete in contests testing their physical abilities, courage and absolute disregard for their own self-respect to prove their love for her. Every week, the keys are reissued, but one contestant is not given a key and is tearfully sent home. As much as Tila grew to care for each and every person, she sought the love and compatibility of that one, special someone with whom she could grow old-or at least with whom she could look super hot. Tila broke hearts, and her own heart died a little each time she had to say, “I thought we had something, but then I realized...not so much.” And each one would leave the house of love completely gobsmacked. “This is so bogus! I love her!!” But sometimes, we all have to face the fact that just because you may hit it off with someone initially, you just might end up withholding that key at some point because you come to the realization-not so much.

WARNING: There is absolutely nothing redeeming about the attached clip.


I’ve had to make peace with the fact that some of the friends I met during “my first week of orientation” here in suburbia are not in my life anymore or perhaps don’t play as prominent a role as they once did. It doesn’t take away from the fun we had or the connection we felt that was strong and true. No matter how many dates you’ve had or how much your kids might like each other, sometimes, you grow apart. Sometimes, it's not personal. Your lives take different paths and you might get involved in various activities or causes or hobbies. Key or no key, we should all be able to move on and feel good about ourselves and the choices we've made.

I post this at the risk of sparking unnecessary paranoia amongst my friends. I did not start to write this entry with any one friend in mind. Don't ask me if I was referring to you in that blog I wrote. Give a girl a minute to write about something topical without having to worry about freaking you all out! I was actually inspired to write about the break-up phenomenon because I can’t help but notice that a number of people I know from various parts of the country and different parts of my life are dealing with the awkward, sometimes painful, experience of breaking up in the burbs. In the suburbs, you can’t run, and you can’t hide, and that makes break-ups uncomfortable at best. Sometimes, there’s a falling out. Sometimes, there’s no one to blame. In every case, my friends are hurting because they withheld their key or a key was not returned to them. I say to you all, cut yourselves some slack. Don’t discount the love you felt for these friends once upon a time. I’m sure you are all better for the connection you once shared regardless of how long it was to last. Thank you, Tila, for showing us the light.