Are you still here?

It’s happening. Gabriella is officially getting on my nerves. I think we did pretty well considering she’s been unemployed for 47 days...but who’s counting? Having the two of us home full-time seems like the ideal set up. It’s true that there are many benefits for which I am grateful. I know I’ll miss having her around when she gets a job-eventually. Then again, we don’t really have that much to do with each other during the day. We’re leading separate lives as we make arrangements for one parent to be on child duty while the other is running errands or going to the gym or earning extra cash as I’ve been.

As soon as she was laid-off, I signed up to substitute for teacher aids at Asher’s pre-school. I’m now earning a small commission from KOL Foods. And, I’ve been offered a chance to earn a few dollars each month working with a local community service organization I joined. If I play my cards right, we’re talking cable bill covered every month. So I says to Gabriella, I says, “So, when are you going to start pulling your weight around here? I’m tired of holding down 3 jobs!” Lucky for me, she understands my sense of humour and thinks this is hilarious. I picked the right girl.

On a good day, our paths cross occasionally. On a bad day, Gabriella is in my way! I may be conflicted about life as a stay-at-home mother, but while I’m here, this is my ship, and I’m the captain. We’ve got a thing going, my boys and I. We operate a certain way and within a certain schedule. That schedule may alter from one day to the next, but it’s my schedule to control. I said it. The C word. And I don’t mean the “see you next Tuesday” C word which I’m not at all shy to say, but I wanted to be poetic about it. The C word to which I refer is CONTROL. I’ve lost control, and I don’t like it.

I’ve had a cold on and off for the past month which is not the norm. Usually, one cold per winter and I’m sorted. Sure, I don’t get enough sleep and I don’t eat right, exercise enough, drink enough water, blah blah blah. But that’s not unusual. What is unusual is that Gabriella has moved in on my turf and is undoing my doings and muscling me out of my job. I’m tempted to provide you with a list of things that illustrate how she’s stepping on my toes. We all know how I appreciate a good list. But that would be petty and unkind. The fact is, Gabriella is an infinitely superior housewife. This is no secret to anyone who knows us even a little bit. Our kitchen is stocked. The dishes are clean AND put away. And, I’m able to take time for myself...to work at my many jobs, of course. Instead of enjoying the flexibility I've got, I'm lost without my routine and my way and my autonomy.

As mothers, we are equally as good or bad as the other, but our priorities differ. When her name points to child-care on the job-wheel at Camp Goldstein Di Maggio, she’s in charge. I willingly and gladly hand the baton to Gabriella, but it’s probably best if I’m not at home when I do. Again, I won't name the transgressions committed against my established and logical house rules, but enough of them are made that I find myself often asking Gabriella, “Are you new?”

I used to think that Gabriella’s unemployment was a blessing in disguise for her. Now, I realize that it is a blessing for me, too. It’s as if that angel Clarence from It’s a Wonderful Life is showing me what life would be like if neither one of us had to work. We all get to be at home together. Every day. All day. Get me out of here Clarence! I want to live. I want to li....ok, over the top, but you get the point. Apologies for making a reference to It’s a Wonderful Life after only a month. It’s one of my faves.

4PM. Gabriella took Levi out shopping with her. Asher is coloring rainbows. No, it’s not a gay thing. He likes rainbows! I’m eating her amazing tomato, lentil soup that she made just for me to nurse my cold and to say in her wordless way, “I love you.” I need to find my happy place and appreciate what I’ve got because it won’t be here forever. We need to leave Levi with a sitter for a morning while Asher is in school and do something together-just us grown ups. We need a schedule. Well, I need a schedule. “Are you reading my blog over my shoulder before I publish it, Gabriella? Are you still here? Go get a job!”

And I need to enjoy moments like this one.