Reading, writing and wank words

I’ve been invited to participate in the Local Writers Panel -The Bloggers at the Maplewood Library in New Jersey on Monday, January 26th at 7:30 pm. This event will be the 3rd in a series of panels where local writers have discussed what they read and how reading influences their writing. The creator of this Local Writers Panel series is the library’s Head of Adult Services. Now, that’s a title worth having! It’s especially wicked for me to call attention to such a salacious title because the Head of Adult Services is actually a wonderful person for whom I do have the greatest respect. She also has a very keen sense of humor. Henceforth (because how often do you get to use the word "henceforth"?), I will refer to the Head of Adult Services as Madame Head which is, I’m sure, exactly the title to which she aspired whilst working towards her degree in Library Science.

When Madame Head first presented me with the invitation, I thought she'd eventually forget that she approached me. She didn't. I was a wee bit anxious about it. The tushies that have warmed the panel seats in the past have been the tushies of novelists, biographers, poets and journalists. My writing resume pales in comparison. A girl might feel a bit intimidated sitting amongst the experienced and the published. I've written a few blogs for pay, but perhaps I don't belong on the panel.

Had I not attended a writer’s workshop lead by Victoria Rowan of Ideasmyth, I might have graciously declined and kicked myself every day thereafter. One of the many lessons learned at that workshop was that you are what you do-not what you aspire to do. The follow up lesson, of course, was that if you don’t like what you do, do something else. And if there is anyone in the tri-state area who requires help doing something else or evolving what you already do, I highly recommend calling on Victoria. Lesson learned. I write, therefore I am a writer – even when and especially when I don’t get paid to write. I'm sitting my tushy down on that panel seat.

As often as I may chant, “nam-myoho-renge-k—“ no, not that one. As often as I may chant, “I am a writer. I am a writer”, I don’t think I’ll ever feel fully-fledged until I can pay the bills with words-even if it’s just the phone bill. I’m looking forward to sharing my thoughts on reading and writing on the night, but I’m also eager to be in the company of pay-the-bills writers who will no doubt inspire me and our audience to pursue our crafts and to fortify ourselves with the writings of others.

I don't care what you believe, it's worth a viewing if not only to watch a bit of Tina.


I’ve got a trick up my sleeve to quell the nerves and keep my mind off of the accomplishments of the esteemed panel, as well. In addition to wearing my lucky thong, I’m going to call on my experience in advertising sales in London. I had the opportunity to work with a breed of a lesser-evolved human known as the lad. The lad is the UK’s version of an American frat boy; a skirt-chasing, alcohol-drinking, sport loving, completely politically incorrect wise-ass. Come to think of it, I may have just described myself bar the sport loving. Does it count if I do watch curling during the Olympics because it completely confounds me? It may seem that I’m berating the British lad, but I’ve often been accused of being a lad trapped in a bird’s body. Working in the U.S. can be terribly dull what with the pressure to be politically correct and all. Inappropriate and immature--I gotta be me.

One of the many juvenile activities of a sales lad is the Wank Word Challenge, a spin-off of Wank Word Bingo. Just before leaving the office, colleagues give you a word or words to gracefully slip into the very important and serious presentation you are about to deliver. The more creatively the word is integrated, the more praise and admiration you receive. And nobody needs praise and admiration more than a sales person. Gusset. Lemming. Clogged pores. Rope burn. All examples of wank words past. I’m not denying the occasional suggestion of a naughty word, but that’s strictly amateur. I’m sure you would agree that working "uni-brow” into a sales presentation professionally and seamlessly requires a certain finesse.

I’ll be reviewing your nominations for wank words up until the 26th. I hope that you will be able to join Madame Head, the distinguished panelists and me for an evening devoted to reading & writing. And you just might witness a master of wank words at her finest.