The last time we spoke, she caught me at an off moment. I’ve tried to stay positive throughout Gabriella’s unemployment, but it’s been a long few months, and I’m not always such a happy camper. Being the peach that I am, I reserve my real feelings of stress and anxiety for those who know me best. I don’t like to be a downer, and I don’t want to admit how tough it has actually been on us. Ellen is one of the lucky few, and she got an earful during our last conversation. She called me today to check in. She was worried.
E: How ARE you?
D: Same ol’, same ol’. Today’s a good day, and that’s about all I got for you at the moment. You tell me something good.
E: Ohhh, I've got something good!
D: Excellent. Lay it on me.
E: John was in London for work, and he went into Boots. (Boots is the equivalent of Duane Reade in the UK.) Guess what he bought there?
D: Nurofen? Over-the-counter codeine. Yummy!
E: He bought a cock ring!
D: What?!?
E: It’s a rubber ring that he puts on his... on him...
D: I KNOW what a cock ring is...because it’s so GAY!
I just can’t believe John bought one .... at BOOTS of all places!
E: AND it VIBRATES!
D: Are you making this up? He got a vibrating cock ring at Boots?
E: No! This is true. He follows all the marketing trends for his job, and there have been all these articles about the rise in condom sales, KY jelly sales, and the pharmacies want to get a piece of all of it. So, Boots has been dealing sex toys.
It's actually not a new product, and you can get them in the U.S. Guess I'm just not up on my cock-wear.
D: Why are condom sales on the rise? No one can afford children?
E: No one can afford to go out. Everyone's at home trying to find things to do.
D: Huh. We just watch tv until we can’t keep our eyes open anymore.
E: Well, we have not been watching tv, and we’ve had a pretty good time. I mean, sex has always been good and all, but this added a bit of spice. And we both got to enjoy it at the same time. He’s wearing it while he’s in...well, we’re both feeling the love. I call it the Magic Ring.
D: Ok, and is it battery operated? Where do the batteries go?
E: Oh, you only use it once. It’s good for 20 minutes, and then it’s done.
D: It’s a DISPOSABLE vibrating cock ring?!? I love it. I hope he bought a supply.
E: He only bought a couple, but he’s going back next month. But he did manage to pick up another toy at Walgreens of all places. It’s a finger vibrator. It’s like a rubber condom for your finger that vibrates. I call that one the Magic Finger.
D: And you get it at Walgreens?
E: Uh huh. And this one uses those watch batteries. I’m so psyched that I’ll be able to recharge.
D: I’m so impressed with John for buying those toys.
E: So, how are you really?
D: Hanging in there. This was a happy call. Can’t be sad when my friend wants to talk dirty to me.
E: No problem, babe. Gotta run. I’ll check in again soon.
D: Love you! Bye.
6 comments:
Lol...this post was at least 18 kinds of great. OTC codeine really *is* great! When my dad had some oral surgery a few years ago, one of my aunts in Scotland mailed us an absurd amount of codeine (pretty sure that's illegal). Oh well...it made my father much more pleasant :D
Hmmm...my husband has been out of work for 6 months.
I laughed out loud at the Project Runway shot. Fortunately no one little asked me why.
hope there's a job in his future, shane!
You know, Deborah, sometimes people who don't know you best are also open to talking & listening to your stressors, etc. We want to hear the real story too, and we care about you all and what you're going through. :) (even if you are a peach)
thanks, jan! i'll have to work on scooping that pit out of the ol' peach. tough to do after for...um lots of years, but i'll work on it. i'll still always prefer a happier, fruitier me though.
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