If you’ve read any of the previous entries featuring my sister, Rachel, you’ll know that conversations range from comedic to cruel. For the most part, she doesn’t even pretend to filter thoughts, and she is particularly feisty. I have to make sure that I have coated on another layer of skin in order to protect myself from thoughtless barbs. It's best to have a fresh coat on prior to any phone call.
Rachel: Hullo?
Deborah: You sound terrible.
R: It’s just a runny nose.
D: I posted another blog for the NY Times, The Local. Did you get my email with the link?
R: Yes, I read it.
D: Did you feel like posting a comment? It makes me look good when I people comment.
R: Nope.
D: How does it feel to be absolutely the least supportive friend or family member I have?
R: Yeah, I don’t have a problem with that. What do you want me write? ‘Deborah, you’re not British!’
D: Part of my angle in writing for The Times is that I write about making the transition from 7 years in the UK to the suburbs of the U.S. Surely you can relate after having grown up in the homogenous suburbs of Chicago only to relocate to the cultural, cosmopolitan epicentre of the world; LaSalle/Peru, Illinois. Who could ever dream of living within walking distance of Starved Rock? Isn’t that the 8th Wonder of the World?
R: Bite me.
D: The question is, why does it bother you so much that we made the most of our lives in London and picked up a thing or two while we were there?
R: ACHOO!!
D: Bless you. Isn’t your friend coming over with her kids tomorrow? Why don’t you take some cold medicine?
R: Oh, I could NEVER do that!
D: Ok, I’ll bite. Why not?
R: Because MY sister told me all about the evils of the pharmaceutical companies, and I wouldn’t EVER want to contribute to such an evil industry. Not to mention the fact that I’d probably be compromising my immune system by taking too much medicine.
D: Rachel, I never said that I don’t take medicine.
R: And when we were at the doctor the other day with Evan for his EKG*, the nurse asked me about your mitral valve prolapse. She asked me how bad it is, and I said, ‘I don’t know! She doesn’t believe in doctors or medicine and never even told her midwife that she had mitral valve prolapse until she was labouring in a tub of water.
*Evan is fine. He complained about heart palpitations one day, but multiple tests showed that he is very healthy.
D: You said all of that to the doctor?
R: I most certainly did.
D: You're an asshole.
R: I love you, too.
4 comments:
I totally agree about Gary, IN. I drove through there once and it scarred me for life. I feel the same way about most of Nebraska.
As for Rachel, well, I'd try to stay on her good side.
Hi Rachel!
Come on, it's OBVIOUS! Rachel loves you to bits. I mean it.
Oh you do make me laugh or rather guffaw everytime I read your blog! As I am a Londoner by default ie partner to one on an expat assignment so much of what you write resonates. We have decided to make London home but very close friends of ours have gone back and like you have settled for the leafier or rather great public schools climes of Montclair...they too are are adjusting!
Rachel is right you are not English but you were a Londoner!
Vikki, my sister was most pleased with the salutation. Of course, she'd never actually leave a comment to say so. Rachel, I love what you're wearing today!
Hey Another Tina! So glad to connect to another Londoner. Londoners indeed. Too right. I do miss it often - but less so as we gear up for a proper summer. I could never get used to the weather. ENJOY!
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