Who needs Twitter?

My sister Rachel works for an insurance company. When I asked her if I could share the name of her employer, she said, “Yes. And be sure to mention that it would behoove everyone to have insurance through Aflac.” “But I thought you could only have insurance from Aflac through your company, and not every company offers Aflac coverage.” “Everyone can have it. It may be less expensive through an employer, but it’s available to everyone.” This promo has been brought to you by the letters W,T, F and by the number 4 as in 4get that I ever plugged an insurance company.

The fact that she works for the duck is significant because she fields a lot of questions about claims. And in fielding a lot of questions about claims, she learns about one tragic event after another. And in learning about one tragic event after another, she feels the need to share. She calls me regularly to unburden herself with these terribly sad stories usually involving a small child, and the conversation usually ends with my futile pleas to allow me the bliss of ignorance.

Once Rachel realized that I reacted with a satisfying blend of shock and horror, she decided to call me with news of accidents and deaths outside of the insurance sphere and all over the globe. She is most always the first person to tell me the latest grim, disturbing or sad tale that is hot off the presses. I don’t need CNN or Twitter or E! because I’ve got RachelNews 24/7, and I’ve got a lifetime membership for absolutely no service fee. As you can imagine, Rachel has been on fire this summer. I was the first one on my block to learn about the deaths of Ed McMahon, Infomercial King (a.k.a. Oxy Clean Guy) Billy Mays and Dr. Jerri Nielsen FitzGerald the woman who treated herself for cancer in the South Pole. Where was I Michael Jackson died? That's right. I was on the phone with Rachel. Karl Malden and defense secretary Robert McNamara? RachelNews. She was practically giddy when she called me to report that Steve McNair was shot 4 times by his mistress and then the mistress killed herself. It was especially satisfying for her because I had no idea who Steve McNair was. Shocker!

I was the one, however, who told her about Farrah.

Deborah: Farrah Fawcett died.

Rachel: I didn’t know that! Was she sick?

D: Rachel! She’s had anal cancer since 2006.

R: I didn’t know Farrah Fawcett had ANAL CANCER!

D: What?!? You of all people didn’t know that Farrah had anal cancer?!? Where have you been?

R: I know! Where HAVE I been? That’s really awful.

D: Not to mention that she’s been the butt of so many jokes.

R: aaa haaa haaa.

I know-bad joke. Forgive me for being a little cheeky.

D: I’m so happy I could tell you bad news for a change.

R: Oh yeah? Well, I’ve got a doozy for you. Are you ready?

D: Ok, yes.

R: It seems that you should not have a Burmese Python as a pet because when the python becomes 8 ½ feet long and 50 pounds and slithers into a baby’s crib, it will most likely strangle a baby to death.

D: Is that what happened really?

R: Yup. It was on the news. The python bit the baby and then strangled it.

D: Lovely. Thanks so much.

R: I know. I can’t stop thinking about it. Horrible.

Serves me right for trying to out-scoop RachelNews. I do apologise for doing to you what my dear sister constantly does to me, but I felt it my duty to get the word out that Burmese Pythons are not exactly the most family-friendly of pets. If you have been considering adopting a Burmese Python, might I suggest a Pet Rock, instead. It won't strangle your baby, and you can also beat yourself stupid with it for even considering owning a Burmese Python in the first place...though you're probably pretty stupid already.

Phone’s ringing. RachelNews calling. I wonder who has died. Yup. Oscar Mayer. Dead at 95. Note to self: Eat more bologna.