Sibling 3-way

Rachel: “BULGAR. Say it!”

My sister Rachel was on speaker phone so that Benjamin and I could have a conversation with her during his visit here.

As per usual, our discussion was ridiculous bordering on asinine and incredibly funny in our own little sibling world. We can’t help but to regress to dynamics past and re-enact all the moments during family dinners that used to make us literally fall off our chairs laughing. Why only an hour earlier, my brother Benjamin, Phi Beta Kappa in Chemistry at Princeton University held a fork up to his eye and said, “Deborah. You’re in jail.” Oh yes he did.

R: Isn’t bulgar the weirdest sounding word? Go ahead, say it. Benjamin, say buglar.

Benjamin: No.

R: Come on. Say it.

B: But you just said it.

R: Just say it, bitch.

B: Bulgar.

R: Yeah, it doesn’t sound funny when you say it. Do you know what word Americans hate the most?

D: No, tell us.

R: Moist.

D: Who says?

R: I heard it on Wait, Wait. Don't Tell Me. And they said it was because of the “oy” sound.

D: Clearly exposing a nation of anti-Semites.

R: Um, anyway, the thing is that the same discussion was on How I Met Your Mother, and they kept saying it over and over again-moist, moist, moist. And I have to wonder if the American people have not been influenced by the show prior to this survey.

D: It might keep me up at night, too. I’m not a fan of the word “discharge”.

R: Lovely. Benjamin, I need your opinion. Which do you think is a more degrading term, “dumb ass” or “douche bag”? Ron doesn’t care when I call him a “dumb ass”, but he gets really sensitive when I call him a “douche bag”.

B: I would feel similarly.

R: Ok, thanks. Well, you both have a great night.

In truth, “discharge” is not my least favourite word. I guess I had “discharge” on the brain because of the recent visit to the ER my brother and I made after he found his razor in his suitcase and suffered an avulsion shaving off a meaty flap of skin from the tip of his ring finger. Sorry. Were you eating? After Nurse Paula dressed his finger in the appropriate bandage, she handed him his paperwork and told him where we could discharge. Ew.

Benjamin did not want his picture taken but he allowed one photo because I delivered him to the ER before he lost his finger.

I realize I need to introduce my brother Benjamin a little more formally. I’ll have to save it for later because Gabriella has suddenly realized that we haven’t spoken all evening and is coming downstairs to invade my writing space and interrupt my flow.

D: Gabriella! C’mere quick! I pulled something, and I need a massage right NOW!

Gabriella scurries behind me and starts to rub my shoulders.

D: Lower! This is serious. I don’t think I can move.

G: Lower where?!?

D: In my vagina. Hey, where are you going? Ok, well can you take my plate back to the kitchen, please? You’re a dove, thanks.