The school district hates me

Asher has always been a great sleeper. For this I am grateful. He goes to bed at 7pm, and we usually have to wake him up at 7:45am to get to the bus on time. This leaves few hours after school for homework and general recreation...for which I am grateful as well. It’s not that I count the hours of every conscious moment of the day until I can throw my kids in bed and breathe in peace and exhale quiet. Ok, maybe I do count the hours on the occasional day. This year, I am grateful for the limited hours of wakefulness because of a district-wide initiative throughout our schools called TV Turn-Off (aka Parent Punishment).

To those who have no televisions in their homes or who limit their children’s screen time to 30 minutes or less per day, well, I don’t really have anything to say to you because we clearly have little in common. I can but apologise for what is bound to be a post of little to no value to you other than providing yet another opportunity for you to feel superior to most other parents whose televisions are members of the family. Our television, Uncle See-More, is our friend, and we are not REMOTELY embarrassed by our love for him.

According to the A.C. Nielsen Company, the average American watches more than 4 hours of TV each day. In a 65-year life, that person will have spent 9 years in front of the boob tube. Yeah? And your point is? The average American will have slept for 24 years by the time they reach 74 years old during which time that same person will have spent 3.6 years in a car and will have used 1,539,570 sheets of toilet paper. Numbers shmumbers!

Have you seen children’s television these days? It’s pretty amazing, and the boys have actually learned a thing or two about reading and science and good behavior in general. It’s not like the random selection of programming when I was a kid. Ok, there were classics like Scooby Doo and Bugs Bunny and Sesame Street and The Big Blue Marble...anyone? But, after 9am during the week, there were few options on the 4 channels available to us. I don’t think that Good Times or What’s Happening can be classified as children’s programming.

I realize that the point of those statistics is to shock us into reevaluating how much time we allow our children to watch television, and that’s a worthy exercise…for other people. I’m perfectly happy with the number of hours and the tv shows our kids watch in a day. So, when I received the form encouraging students to opt in to TV Turn-Off, I tread carefully with Asher.

Deborah: Are you sure you want to do this?

Asher: What are the choices again?

D: For the Bronze, you can have 60 minutes of screen time each day during the school week including television, the Wii and your computer games. If you go for Silver, you get 30 minutes of all of those things each day during the school week. Gold means that you can’t watch or do any of those things at all until the weekend. Nothing. Nada. Naught. Zip.

A: Which one is the biggest prize?

D: The prizes are all the same, a trophy, but the colors are different.

A: Which one is the best color?

D: Gold. That’s first place, and that would mean that your only screen time is on the weekends or during school breaks. No television, no Wii, no computer games. Did I mention that, already?

A: What would I do instead of those things?

D: Are you kidding? There are lots of things you can do! You can have play dates or you could play with your toys or read books or do art projects...

A: Will you play with me?

D: Of course. Listen, if you want the Gold prize, Mommy and I will help you get it. But you don’t have to go for the Gold prize, Asher. You could go for the Silver or Bronze. You’d get a prize, and you’d still be able to watch a little television every day. (I'm willing you to go for Bronze. Go for Bronze!)

Unfortunately, he had seen the shiny, cheap gold plastic trophy that his friend’s older brother received for his efforts the previous year and discovered the meaning of the word covet.

A: I think I’ll try for Gold if you think I can do it.

What am I supposed to say to that? No. I don’t think you can do it? And what’s more, I don’t think I can do it? Let’s just make life easy for ourselves and continue allowing Uncle See-More to babysit you while I justify my negligence with claims that children’s television programming is good for you?

D: Of course I think you can do it. Let’s sign up for gold then. (Shit, shit, shit!)

I stared at the form for a solid 2 minutes before reaching for the pen. Will your child be participating in TV Turn off for the entirety of the academic year? Yes, check. Please select the level of participation below. Gold, check. Will the parents be participating in TV Turn-Off along with your child? Hmm, this is a tough one. I don’t see the option that says, Are you mother-fucking kidding? Piss off! I select No instead.

What I’ve learned after 3 weeks of TV Turn-off.

1. Asher talks incessantly.

2. The card game War is possibly the most boring card game in existence.

3. I am more tolerant than I realized of children hurling themselves on and over furniture and outdoor games inappropriately played indoors so that I do not have to entertain during every TV Turn-Off minute of the day.

4. Asher’s self-discipline amazes me. The other day, I brought up the GPS map in the M-V, and Asher asked me if he was allowed to look at it. It is a screen, after all. I made the executive decision that the GPS was fair game.

Wish us luck! We’re going to need it.

Just because I found it while surfing classic children's programming.