Sunday, August 30, 2009

My alter-ego

Nothing like a vacation to get my face out of my computer. It's also a great way to forget the fact that we're still unemployed. Didja miss me? No need to answer. I’m back with a tale of yesteryear.

When my parents first asked me if I had any interest in going to a sleep-away camp at the age of 10, I could not contain my excitement. The thought of spending weeks far away from home was as close to nirvana as I had ever imagined. I was only 10, after all. It wasn’t that I was deprived or abused as a child, but I always felt stifled in my own home. My mother ran a tight ship where comportment was more important than good grades, and appearances were everything. She often referenced Miss Manners when delivering her daily dose of criticism, and she insisted we use possessive pronouns with gerund phrases before we had any idea what it meant. There was no talking back or use of distasteful language, and we absolutely never passed wind in front of each other. I’m pretty sure my mother has no anus. I really had no idea what to expect from camp. All I knew was that at the very least, it was not home, and at the very best, I might experience full-throttle, uninhibited fun.

I should have known there would be strings attached when the opportunity was presented. I wanted to go to horseback riding camp. I know, how cliché. Now, I’m not saying that if your daughter wants to ride horses she’s bound for carpet crunching, but don’t be surprised if every lesbian you know tells you that she used to ride horses. Why? You figure it out. Stuck? Ok, consider knee-high riding boots, a riding crop and the friction known only from wearing skin tight breeches against a leather saddle set in motion by a cantering horse. Back to the strings.

My mother told me that I could go to horseback riding camp if and only if I first attended Jew Camp (the name of which was not, in fact, Jew Camp). I suspect she thought I might love it so much that I would drop the horseback riding thing in favour of singing Hebrew songs, learning bible stories, eating Kosher food and being surrounded by awkward and very short Jewish boys. How could I possibly imagine a happier camp experience than that? I had to sacrifice an entire summer, but I figured even Jew Camp might be more fun than staying at home. It was a price worth paying.

I don’t remember much about it, to be honest. I survived. It must not have been too awful because somehow I ended up at Jew Camp Reunion that winter. I do remember a couple of things about reunion. I remember that it was bitter cold and the snow was about waist high. It’s possible that I remember because one of the required activities was our half hour walk in the snow after dark in order to experience what it must have been like to hide from the Nazis in the middle of winter. Just in case you haven't had the opportunity to participate in such an exercise, it's not fun.

I also remember my nickname that would follow me throughout my camping years. When we first arrived, the counselors decided it would be a good idea to sit in a circle and share our names and what we liked to be called. I thought this an odd exercise when we all knew each other already. I made some wise ass crack about historical figures introducing themselves in the same fashion. “Can you imagine? ‘Hi. My name is Bill Shakespeare, but you can call me Shakey’.” It stuck. I was Shakey. Shakey Goldstein.

The next summer, my parents made good, and I went to horseback riding camp. No Hebrew spoken at Campo Fiesta where the counselors adopted Spanish names and we all celebrated Mexican Christmas. My parents chose to drive me to camp rather than put me on a bus, and I arrived a day earlier than the other campers. My counselors took me to my cabin and let me pick out my bed. I unpacked my duffle bag and checked out the names of my other cabin mates for the next 4 weeks. “Pucci?!? What kind of name is that?” I asked. I grew up in a suburb where the Jews made up 65% of the population. We don’t name our kids one name and call them something entirely unrelated. I was confused. Paco answered, “That’s Pucci. Her real name is Ann Elizabeth, but her family calls her Pucci.” “You can do that?” “Sure. Why? Do you have a nickname?” And that was that. I was Shakey and only Shakey for the 4 summers that I attended Campo Fiesta in Boulder Junction, Wisconsin. Even my uptight mother sent me letters addressed to Senorita Shakey Goldstein. I’ve got to give her points for that one.

When I think about my favourite childhood memories, I think of my days at Campo Fiesta. Shakey was the girl I wanted to be outside of my mother’s house. I was outgoing and silly and even a little confident. I had to be pretty f-ing confident to be smiling so big with a mouth full of braces and a really bad perm. 1982 if you're wondering.
I rode horses and water skied and shot rifles and I made great friends. All those wonderful memories came flooding back this summer when a few old campers organized a reunion. Circumstances as they are, I was unable to attend, but there were enough photos on Facebook to get me all sentimental. There was even a video posted on YouTube of campers singing old camp songs, and I’d be lying if I told you that I didn’t sing along to every single one.

I realize that I run the risk of reviving Shakey after a lifetime of storage. A few friends have already started throwing the name out at me. “What’s shakin’, Shakey?” the campers and counselors used to ask. You may do the same. As ridiculous as the name sounds, I only have the fondest memories of Shakey. Truth be told, I could use a little more Shakey in my life.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Sibling 3-way

Rachel: “BULGAR. Say it!”

My sister Rachel was on speaker phone so that Benjamin and I could have a conversation with her during his visit here.

As per usual, our discussion was ridiculous bordering on asinine and incredibly funny in our own little sibling world. We can’t help but to regress to dynamics past and re-enact all the moments during family dinners that used to make us literally fall off our chairs laughing. Why only an hour earlier, my brother Benjamin, Phi Beta Kappa in Chemistry at Princeton University held a fork up to his eye and said, “Deborah. You’re in jail.” Oh yes he did.

R: Isn’t bulgar the weirdest sounding word? Go ahead, say it. Benjamin, say buglar.

Benjamin: No.

R: Come on. Say it.

B: But you just said it.

R: Just say it, bitch.

B: Bulgar.

R: Yeah, it doesn’t sound funny when you say it. Do you know what word Americans hate the most?

D: No, tell us.

R: Moist.

D: Who says?

R: I heard it on Wait, Wait. Don't Tell Me. And they said it was because of the “oy” sound.

D: Clearly exposing a nation of anti-Semites.

R: Um, anyway, the thing is that the same discussion was on How I Met Your Mother, and they kept saying it over and over again-moist, moist, moist. And I have to wonder if the American people have not been influenced by the show prior to this survey.

D: It might keep me up at night, too. I’m not a fan of the word “discharge”.

R: Lovely. Benjamin, I need your opinion. Which do you think is a more degrading term, “dumb ass” or “douche bag”? Ron doesn’t care when I call him a “dumb ass”, but he gets really sensitive when I call him a “douche bag”.

B: I would feel similarly.

R: Ok, thanks. Well, you both have a great night.

In truth, “discharge” is not my least favourite word. I guess I had “discharge” on the brain because of the recent visit to the ER my brother and I made after he found his razor in his suitcase and suffered an avulsion shaving off a meaty flap of skin from the tip of his ring finger. Sorry. Were you eating? After Nurse Paula dressed his finger in the appropriate bandage, she handed him his paperwork and told him where we could discharge. Ew.

Benjamin did not want his picture taken but he allowed one photo because I delivered him to the ER before he lost his finger.

I realize I need to introduce my brother Benjamin a little more formally. I’ll have to save it for later because Gabriella has suddenly realized that we haven’t spoken all evening and is coming downstairs to invade my writing space and interrupt my flow.

D: Gabriella! C’mere quick! I pulled something, and I need a massage right NOW!

Gabriella scurries behind me and starts to rub my shoulders.

D: Lower! This is serious. I don’t think I can move.

G: Lower where?!?

D: In my vagina. Hey, where are you going? Ok, well can you take my plate back to the kitchen, please? You’re a dove, thanks.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Cucinare e amare

We’re honeymooning in the Hamptons, dahling, and life here doesn’t suck. After a couple days in New Jersey recuperating from the 11 hour drive home from Southampton, Ontario and catching up on laundry, we loaded up the car once again for a weekend in Watermill with two of our girlie friends and their 2 boys. The upside to unemployment is the flexibility to go wherever and whenever which has made this summer a vacation chock full of fun mini holidays.

It helps to also have generous friends with summer houses. Of course, these friends would not invite a family with 2 small children to their homes if we didn’t make it worth their while. We are a very easy family to please, and we absolutely put out. I mean put out in an asexual way though I would go there if the Mrs. were more open-minded. Sadly, that’s just not how we roll. I mean to say that we don’t just show up and expect to be served. We happily play with other people’s children and we clean up after ourselves and we are game for almost any kind of activity that doesn’t involve a sports bar. But at the top of our house guest desirability resume is Gabriella’s cooking. Every summer house friend knows that if Gabriella comes to visit, they’re going to have to wear loose fitting clothing so they can stuff themselves stupid on copious amounts of divinely inspired meals.

If Gabriella had a blog, it would be a foody blog called cucinareeamare.com (to cook is to love), and she would have you salivating over her recipes and her rack...of lamb. You’d salivate over her rack, too. It’s mighty fine. I wouldn’t mind being deployed to Her-raq. Roll your eyes if you must, but Gabriella got a good chuckle out of that one, and I had to add it. She’s got the acumen of Ina Garten, the endearing personality of Giada De Laurentiis, the classic beauty of Nigella Lawson and the authenticity of Lidia Bastianich. You'll forgive me for not going for the obvious comparison to lezzy chef, Cat Cora. Gabriella is a huge fan of that Iron Chef, but I felt I had all my bases covered with the aforementioned ladies. Gabriella is all and none of these chefs because she’s a unique flavor of mmm mmm good that tickles all of your senses and cradles you in a body hug of love. Sometimes I’m sure that Gabriella has walked out of the pages of a magical realism novel for the sole purpose of bewitching everyone in her path with the heartfelt spells stirred and sautéed in her kitchen creations.

Sadly, Gabriella does not have a foody blog. Enter Peaches & Coconuts. I may not focus on food in the content of my blog, but without food, I would certainly die. And if I died, there would be no blog. And while my sister Rachel contemplates how to make my death look like an accident and be rid of this blog once and for all, I will present with you with the last meal of our wedding weekend brought to you by the chef who has cast her delicious spell on me.

Herb stuffed scallops grilled on bed of greens

Ingredients
4 fresh scallops
2 Tbsp Basil
2 Tbsp Mint
2 Tbsp Cilantro
1 Tbsp Olive oil
Pinch of Salt
Pinch of cracked black Pepper

Mixed green salad (mesclun)
1 Tbsp Soy sauce
1 tsp Sesame oil
Juice of 1 lime
Salt
Pepper
Mix soy, sesame oil, lime, salt and pepper.
Toss mesclun with dressing and place on serving plates

Cut scallops in half but not all the way through
Chop finely basil, mint and cilantro mix with olive oil, salt and pepper
Stuff scallops with herb mixture
Brush scallops with olive oil and grill on high for 3 - 4 mins on each side
Serve one scallop on top of mesclun salad

Grilled Sesame crusted tuna steaks with soy dressing

Ingredients
4 tuna steaks
Sesame seeds
Soy sauce
Sesame oil
Lemon
Lime
Chopped herbs from the scallop dish
Scallions
Salt
Pepper

Brush or rub sesame oil on tuna steaks
Coat each steak with sesame seeds
Sprinkle tuna with salt and a good amount of fresh cracked black pepper
Grill on high for 4-5 min on each side (change cooking time according to how rare you like your tuna)

Dressing
2 Tbsp sesame oil
4 Tbsp soy sauce
1 lemon
1 lime
Chopped herbs
2 finely chopped scallions
Combine all ingredients and stir well – add salt and pepper to taste

Serve tuna steaks with a drizzle of soy dressing

Farm fresh vegetable salad
1 pd green beans
½ pound new baby potatoes
5 plum tomatoes
1 large red onion
4 Tbsp Olive oil
1 Lemon
2 Tbsp Balsamic vinegar
Salt
Pepper

Cook beans in large pot with 2 cups of water and lots of salt. Cook for approx 8 mins - tender but still have a little bite and retain their green color
Boil potatoes in salted water until tender
Chop red onion into very thin slices
Cut beans and potatoes to bite size pieces and place in salad bowl with onions
Whisk together the olive oil, vinegar, lemon, salt and pepper (salt and pepper to taste)
Dress and toss salad

In all honesty, I hadn't originally intended to post Gabriella's recipes, but I needed a food themed entry in order to justify posting this photograph. Food is art and art is love and love is .... well, there's no poetic way to put it. The apron says it all.

and this one's for Vikki who requested girl on girl and because it could be that kind of blog.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Married! again.

Yup, we’ve traded in our snow globe collection for commitment ceremonies. Well, I might keep that really fancy snow globe of Chicago as the city is, in fact, my kind of town, and the snow globe was a gift. Our anthology of monogamous declarations now includes: our first wedding ceremony on 3 March 2001, our Domestic Partnership in New Jersey on 25 October 2006, our Civil Union in New Jersey on 19 March 2007, and now our federally recognised marriage in Canada on 1 August 2009 in Southampton, Ontario. We are now Mrs. and Mrs. after 15 years of living in sin and nearly 6 years parenting our bastard children.

I could go off on a tirade about how superior Canada is to the United States. According to the HRC, the most recent tally of inequality comes to 1,138 rights and protections afforded married couples in the U.S. from which same sex couples are excluded. But hey. I can’t let a little snag like homeland oppression taint our marital bliss upon becoming Wife and Wife in the land of the Canucks. We’ll save our fist shaking and angry chanting for the National LGBT Equality March on Washington October 10-11. Jeepers, I love a catchy, angry chant. Every other day can be thumbing-my-nose-at-the-U.S.-day. For now, please join us in a joyful jig in honour of another envelope pushed.

To the friends and family members who were irritated because they were not invited, it was all very spur of the moment. During the first 6 hour leg of our drive to Niagara Falls, it dawned on me that we were about to cross the border into the Land of Equal Rights.

“Hey Gabriella!” “mmm” “Want to get married?” “Sure.” Ain’t love grand?

I applied online for the license when we arrived, and we picked it up at City Hall the following morning. While we were trolling the web for wedding venues and officiates that first night, our host in Southampton managed to find someone to conduct our wedding the next day at her summer cottage and our final destination. Sorted. Compared to the year of planning for our first wedding, this was a doddle. Of course, we had loads of help. Thank you to:

Carolyn who officiated from the heart and with very short notice.

Helen who donated the flowers from her garden-the ones that were closest to Joe’s house for our flower/flag bouquets.

Paul for filming the blessed occasion. Hey, Paul! When do we get a peek?

Ian for capturing every moment of the ceremony on camera and for the fastest digital image-to-thoughtfully-framed-gift in the history of the Western Hemisphere.

Evan for reminding us that every wedding no matter how small or casual is a beautiful gift of love for all to share. Thank you, Evan, you big blubbering hunk of man.

Ian & Evan

Meredith Grant whose music was the perfect accompaniment for the day. Do you do Bar Mitzvahs? Let’s discuss your availability in November 2016.

Alison and Mark for being the most amazing wedding co-ordinators evah! Food, drink, cake, drink, champagne, drink (champagne requires its own category) sparklers and rice, and everything else they did that I can't recall...because of all the drink.

Levi and Elise for rice hurling.*
*Mark disposed of the rice so that no bird was able to consume the rice that might have expanded in its stomach and killed it.

Asher and Alexandra who occupied themselves once they realized that this wedding business was boring.

Gabriella for agreeing to be mine....again.

If you sadly missed any our past commitment ceremonies, fear not. You can always send well wishes and/or wedding gifts to us no matter what Miss Manners says gifting within the year. Address all cards and packages to ... on second thought, I should probably not give out my home address. Maybe I’ll give out my sister Rachel’s address. I imagine for every serving platter or champagne flute we receive for our wedding, she may get a letter recognizing her invaluable contribution to this blog. Of course, she’d be rather displeased if I published her address, so if you insist...we will happily receive tokens of your love at:

Deborah Goldstein, PO Box 451, South Orange, NJ 07079

I promise I give good card should you include your return address. I only ask that if you don’t have anything nice to send, please send nothing at all. You may send naked photos, knickers and the like, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to reciprocate should I wish to maintain my Domestic Partnership, Civil Union, Marriage status as old-fashioned as that may seem.

THANK YOU CANADA!