Greener grass

Gabriella completed her 1st week at Shmoomberg, and she’s feeling mighty fine. This first week was more of an introduction and acclamation week. Already, she feels welcome and valued. Well, that’s different. I’m tickled for her truly. She deserves to be working for a company that recognizes talent and smarts and a nice rack. And man, does she have...talent.

She’s going to work her tushy off at Shmoomberg, and I might never see her again. No tears, please. I can’t bear it when you cry for me. We’ve had an entire year of unemployment together, and I’ve had enough of Gabriella to last me for a good long while. “Gitouttahere already,” I say. “Go do something besides annoy me for a change!” No doubt I’ll miss her eventually, but for now, I’m happy to see the backside of her. No, I’m not referring to her ass...this time. I’m always happy to see that. I mean, I’m happy that she got a j-o-b.

Now that we’ve both got j-o-bs, I can’t help but identify the marked differences between Shmoomberg and WTF.com. Allow me to illustrate.

The Shmoomberg building itself is an architectural masterpiece on the very civilized Upper East Side that is space-aged and cool and across the street from Bloomingdale’s. You know it’s all that because Beyonce owns two apartments there.

As soon as I exit the parking garage around the corner from WTF.com, I am reminded each day that I work in the City of the Great Unwashed. At about 7:30am, I must pass through an 18 inch thick wall of cigarette smoke to get to the front door of the building. I hold my breath and shield my burning eyes. Once I’ve exhaled, I greet the man behind the security desk who I assume is not dead, but I’ve never stopped to investigate. There are no smiling faces. No skips in the steps. Only miserable people loitering around the “We Buy Gold” jewelry store, vacant retail spaces, parking garages and the new 7-11 that just opened up on the corner.

There isn’t much in the way of healthy eats in the neighborhood. Shmoomberg offers free snacks and drinks throughout the day. In the morning, there is oatmeal, fresh fruit and Kashi cereal. In the afternoon, new selections are available such as crudités and dips, cookies, strawberry yogurt covered pretzels and popcorn.

This afternoon’s reply to my “How’s it going?” email to Gabriella read, “Today I got a banana, blueberry muffin and coffee for breakfast. This afternoon, I picked up some couscous, carrots and string beans. They also have assorted seeds, nuts, yogurt covered raisins, animal crackers, a vast array of chips, cookies, cup a soup, all sorts of drinks and refreshments hot and cold. There's even an espresso machine. Don't know how good it is, but it’s plentiful, and it's all free.”

“But do you have the Double Big Gulp right outside your door? I didn’t think so.”

At Shmoomberg, bathrooms are cleaned constantly and thoroughly throughout the day. The toilet seats are squeaky clean and the water in the bowl is as pure as the spring wells from the most remote mountain tops-untouched by human or beast.

“Do you sit on the seat?” I asked her wide-eyed. “Sure.” she said. “They do not stop cleaning all day long!” “I never sit. I squat,” I confessed.

At WTF.com, the toilet bowl water is an antiqued, butterscotch hue which suggests corroded pipes and/or faulty flushing systems. In the corner of each stall sits an air-freshener spray can implying that ventilation is poor and that the company is more concerned with the lingering pong of body waste than its contribution to the hole in the ozone layer. A final note on the bathroom showdown. Tampons and mini pads are FREE for the taking in the ladies’ rooms at Shmoomberg.

Shmoomberg has lactation rooms on various floors that offer privacy to nursing mamas. The attention to the design of the signage alone screams, “Shmoomberg loves boobs and all you ladies can do with them!” I told you that Shmoomberg appreciates a good rack. Ok, it’s true that there are a few lawsuits that would indicate the CEO’s appreciation may be inappropriate, but that was a long time ago….and now he’s out of the corporate world and in the world of politics where indecent behavior is expected.

On the lower level at Shmoomberg, you’ll find the Quiet Room where employees can take a minute to sit in on a bench in a dimly lit room and collect their thoughts. Also on the lower level is the Health & Wellness Center Gabriella has yet to explore.

As far as health and wellness is concerned, I’m confident that I lose days of my life each day that I inhale the environmental toxins in the City of the Great Unwashed. The building that houses WTF.com was designed in 1921 and I do believe it has not been touched, refurbished or cleaned since then. There is a wonky elevator that bounces a bit before settling on a designated floor, and then the doors open to a dark and uninviting landing-a far cry from the interior at Shmoomberg anchored by columns of beautiful fish tanks.

I just can't figure out where the grass is greener. I’ll let you decide where you’d rather work. Oh, and did I mention that WTF.com does not extend health benefits to Domestic Partners? I have? Silly me! I do tend to repeat myself…when companies institute shameful policies. But I shouldn’t complain when my surrounds are so sublime.