Happy Kazoo Day (belated)

Apologies for the oversight. I neglected to wish you all a Happy National Kazoo Day this past Thursday the 28th celebrating the 160th birthday of the kazoo. Of course, it was only yesterday that I learned of National Kazoo Day in my Oriental Trading Company wall calendar. Such a wonderful collection of junk made in China, no doubt, manufactured by small children under ghastly conditions pouring toxic chemicals into plastic moulds and shipping useless junk to a country who loves cheap, disposable tchotchkis. And yes, I gave in and ordered a bunch of crap to reward my Sunday school kids for turning in homework assignments.

I don’t begrudge them the odd missed homework. I see how much homework my kindergartener gets, and I know they pile it on higher in every grade. No Child Left Behind was George W’s way of instituting his own version of ARBEIT MACHT FREI (Work sets you free).
Heavens me! Did I just compare George W. to a Nazi war criminal? Hm, waddya know? That is irresponsible journalism, isn't it? Good thing I'm not a journalist. My point was that I don’t want to add to the “concentration” of work, so I choose simply to reward those who find the time to squeeze it in with small, imported, hazardous trinkets. I’m on a budget, people! If you’d prefer to donate your organic, free-trade or homemade items for my class, I would be touched, honoured and delighted to distribute them to my budding scholars.

Back to Kazoo Day. Thankfully, my new year’s resolutions did not include observing all holidays as I have already missed 11 holidays in January including The Festival of Sleep on the 3rd, National Nothing Day on the 16th and Opposite Day on the 25th. The list goes on, and I know that there are still holidays that have not been represented on my new wall calendar from The Oriental Trading Company. At least I’m going to get a head start on Thank A Mailman (sic) Day on February 4th, Umbrella Day on the 10th and Be Humble Day on the 22nd.

As any responsible blogger would do, I researched each holiday only to find that the majority of the Oriental Trading Company holidays are not national holidays meaning they are not recognized by congress but are random holidays without known origin. So, how do these holidays come to be? How do they end up printed on the Oriental Trading Company’s wall calendar? Most importantly, how can I create a holiday of my own?

Where’s the holiday-making corporate office where I can submit my plans for National Glue Stick Day when we must cover our naked bodies with glue stick glue and adhere ourselves to someone we love for the entire day? Or how about Ignore Your Children Day? No, you’re right. That day might not be any different than any other day for many of us. I always thought that Mother’s Day was National Ignore Your Children Day, but my children learned otherwise. Mother’s Day isn’t really a happy day for mothers until children move out of the house and send flowers or take mothers out for brunch and then go back home.

Ok, well I’m committed to instituting Love Your Nozzle Day. On this day, all Americans commit to clean out the clumps of soap or lotion or gel that have coagulated for months inside the tips of our hand-pump nozzles. We shall forever prevent our loved ones from forcing down that stuffed nozzle and ejaculating soap clots and projectile liquid gel sprays across the room. Of course, there would be no need for this day if SOME people would occasionally clean out the nozzle clots. I’m the only one in the house who does it. Gabriella is not accustomed to cleaning out my nozzles on a regular basis.

Upon reading this entry, Gabriella informed me that the claim that she does not clean out our household nozzles is a, and I quote, "bald-faced lie." Let me state for the record that Gabriella does, in fact, attend to our hand-pump nozzles. That's not to say, however, that all nozzles in the house receive the appropriate amount of attention.

Happy Belated Kazoo Day, everyone!