The going rate for teeth

Asher’s tooth had been a wild, wriggly mess for weeks. So close. So loose. I had been tempted to sneak up on him, shove my finger nails in between that right, central incisor and his gums and twist that sucker right out of his mouth, but when I got to the end of that scenario in my head, the tooth was out, Asher was traumatized, and we’d never bounce back from the carnage. So I kept my itchy fingers by my side.

It wouldn’t have been so difficult to keep my hands to myself if he hadn’t opened his mouth for everyone who got within ten feet of him. I couldn’t blame him. This was the first one to go. This was, in fact, a big milestone, and we were all looking forward to a visit from the Tooth Fairy.

One morning while Asher was in school, I received an email from a parent of another child in Asher’s class who is a drop-off mom. While I unload Asher at the bus stop, this mom takes her child to school and sees all the other drop-off parents and kids while they wait in line before class. She was kind enough to let us in on the latest.

Hi Class Parents,

This morning I had a very interesting conversation with Asher. He showed me his very loose tooth and we were very excited for him. Then he told me how he expects from the Tooth Fairy one hundred dollars so he could buy a Nintendo DS! When I told him that I think a DS is $129.00 he told me he could handle the rest! Which got me wondering- what's the going rate for a tooth these days?

Thanks, Class Parent

We’re not usually a very chatty group, but this email changed all of that. I was the first to respond because I had to set the record straight. In my reply, I explained that we never told Asher that the Tooth Fairy was going to give him $100. It was true that he had been obsessing about a Nintendo DS for months now, but he was (and is still) doing chores around the house and saving his money so that he can get one himself-and we may go halfsies with him.

It was a relief to get that out in the open. What would the parents think if we had set his expectations to the tune of $100? And then the flurry of emails followed. The consensus was closer to $5 for the first tooth and $1 for every subsequent tooth. I was gobsmacked to learn that apparently, the Tooth Fairy is shelling out $40-$50 per tooth to a select few. There are small children in my humble town making a killing off milk teeth. $50 per tooth? Are you shitting me? I thought $5 for the first tooth was excessive, but $50 per tooth?

Since when has the Tooth Fairy been so loaded? What’s she doing with those teeth in Tooth Fairy Land anyway? And what are these little tykes doing with $1,000 in tooth money? I’m thinking that they’ve already got the DS. Are they playing the stock market? Are they frittering it all away on booze and whores like I’d do if that kind of dosh were left under my pillow? Ok, at the age of 6, I probably would have saved my tooth money for a pony. I wouldn’t have gone for booze and whores until the wisdom teeth came out. Imagine what the Tooth Fairy is shelling out for them!

Luckily, Asher does not yet know of these children whom the Tooth Fairy deems worthy of $50 per tooth. I’d hate to have to explain to him that all teeth are not created equal or that the Tooth Fairy uses a complicated formula based on household income, number of dependents, credit card debt and how many Bar/Bat Mitzvahs each family will be bankrolling to determine how much money the Tooth Fairy can spare. Instead he only knows that even when all of his teeth come out, he will still not have enough money for a DS and that hours of yard work are in his future. If any of my neighbors would like to employ Asher, he’s available for small tasks befitting a six year old.

That tooth came out at school on the 15th of March. We wrote a note to the Tooth Fairy asking her for $100 to include with his tooth. While he did not receive $100, he was very excited to get $5 and a kind note sprinkled with fairy dust explaining that he would receive $1 for each tooth. She wished him luck in his quest for a DS and reminded him to take good care of his adult teeth.
Now, he’s got a gap in his smile that he shows off by twisting his tongue in between the space. He gets the tongue-twisting gene from me, and I’m thinking that will serve him well later in life.
For Asher, the loss of a tooth signifies maturation and growth. Every since he lost his tooth, he’s insisted on clipping his own toe nails which he does with close supervision. I’m hoping he doesn’t think there’s a Toe Nail Clippings Fairy.