Sacked

Fired. Sacked. Made redundant. Set Free!! I was at WTF.com long enough to change the health benefits policy to recognize Civil Union partners but not long enough to lose my mind completely. WTF.com and I were mismatched at best, and I was clearly not the only one who thought so. Last Thursday, I was officially and very politely fired. If I could have skipped home, I would have, but there were too many people in my path outside of Popeye’s, so I chose to circumvent the hungry masses and head straight for my mini-van and get the F out of the City of the Great Unwashed. My mini-van never looked so good.

It was only a week ago that the general manager of WTF.com directed us all to pack up our things as soon as possible and work from home due to the “strange odor” making everyone sick. I had no idea to what she was referring until I stood up to collect my things and WHAM! It was as if someone rammed my head inside my laptop case, zipped it shut and spun me around faster than an Olympic figure skater’s scratch spin. WTF indeed! I drove home on the highway with the windows down opting for the frozen, polluted air to whatever had poisoned my body at the office. I was stoned in a very bad way. It may have been a delusion, but I recall finding the boys playing quietly and cooperatively when I got home, so I was able to pop some ibuprofen and lay my head on the cold counter top until the brain-fog dissipated.

That evening, after the nausea passed, I was able to log on to my work account to see if there was any word about the strange odour. All the WTF.com employees received an email that our local gas company PSE&G discovered that, in fact, the boilers were leaking carbon monoxide. Not to fear because WTF.com turned off the boilers and opened all the windows and aired out of the office. We were all to return to work the next morning dressed warmly so PSE&G could test the boilers WHILE WE WERE ON SITE!

There are a handful of situations in life that give this Jewish girl pause. I have already confessed to you my discomfort with seat warmers in German cars. I prefer not to consider the history behind the excellence of their technology. Add to my list of aversions an invitation to a mass gassing. I began writing the imaginary letter that would excuse me from traumatic dramatizations of genocide until I realized that I had a few business meetings lined up that would keep me out of the office anyway. But I thought to myself, “Self, WTF?”

After the poisoned clouds parted and the fumes were absorbed into the ozone layer, the birds sang once more, and the week took a turn for the better. I celebrated a glorious anniversary with my lady-friend. Another wedding shot for you- Gabriella brought home the most exquisite bouquet of flowers and made a reservation at a local restaurant we had been meaning to try. At dinner, I learned that we had won The Lezzy Awards Best Personal Blog which turned an already wonderful evening into a spectacularly glorious one. And the next morning, I was tired and happy when I arrived at work only to be told that it would be my last day. Thank you, WTF.com for giving me a job when I needed it and booting me out when I needed that more.

So what’s next? I’m sure I don’t know. I’ll take some time to simply appreciate being at home-reunited with my jeans and breathing fresh, carbon-monoxide free air--well as fresh as it gets in New Jersey, anyway.

By the by, I have not forgotten that I owe some lucky few raffle prizes. You'll forgive me, but I have recently been poisoned and laid-off. I will announce the winners very soon, and I thank you for your patience.