A zeisen Pesach!

I’m falling apart. I had a cold-the kind of cold that hangs on for days and makes me fragile and pathetic and in need of a hot and sour soup IV. For days, I was sneezing and blowing my nose and lubricating my philtrum with lip balm. Steady. I’m referring, of course, to the groove above the lip that chafes with constant nose wiping. I had grown cocky after avoiding illness for the majority of the winter. I had suffered one 24 hour thing in January but quickly rebounded proving that I was of hearty stock and that winter had no power over me. Just as spring teased me with its impending arrival, I fell.
I had turned a corner. I was not sneezing as often, and I managed to keep my eyelids apart for the majority of the day. Not quite 100%, but I saw that illness would soon be behind me. On my way to pick up a challah for Shabbat on Friday, I ran into a friend and sat down to chat for a minute. During the course of our ten minute conversation, I lost the hearing in my left ear. I was clearly not out of the woods yet, but no matter. A clogged ear? I was certain that only a hearty blow was between me and aural pleasures.

As the day progressed, however, no form of blowing could do the trick. By the afternoon, the side of my head was pounding in conjunction with the rhythm of the ocean waves rushing inside of my ear, and I could not stand the pain in my jaw when I closed my teeth together. I had no choice but to schlep the boys with me to the doctor. After a 45 minute stint stuck in a waiting room acting as referee while my boys crashed cars into each other, the doctor finally saw me. She looked in my ear and laughed a muffled, all-knowing, ominous laugh. In a way, it was comforting to know that I wasn’t overreacting to the searing pain in my ear. I was used to the twisted things doctors found funny and the lack of empathy after having grown up with a pediatrician for a father who would look at any blood gushing cut and say nothing more than, “Good job!”

I can’t remember the last time I got an ear infection. I’m sure I was not yet old enough to vote. I’m sure it was so long ago that I cannot vaguely remember the hideous pain. It’s karma of course. So many nights when the boys complained of ear aches I had contemplated just waiting until morning. The warm garlic oil drops usually did do the trick, so if I could just get them to sleep, we’d be able to avoid a trip to the doctor. I do solemnly swear to drug them up immediately and call the doctor the next time they cup their ears with their small hands in agony.

Rachel to my brother Benjamin: You know it’s bad because she actually went to see a doctor AND she started taking antibiotics.

Benjamin: Yes, but do you think she’s going to finish the course of meds?

R: Good question.

D: Why do you all think I'm such a quack? I just don't like to go to the doctor unnecessarily.

R: Yes, Deborah. We understand.

Oh how they patronize me, my loving siblings. Of course I’m going to finish the course of meds. First of all, 4 days in, and I still feel like someone shoved a plunger over my ear and sucked my ear and parts of my brain right out. Secondly, I do know that if I stop before the course is complete, I’m doing something bad that will invite the infection to return bigger and badder than before. I don’t know the medical terminology-just that it’s not a good idea.

Deborah: Gabriella, the antibiotics are just not doing the trick. I think the only thing we can do at this point is take the snake venom approach and suck the infection right out of me...via my vagina.

G: That’s a great idea. Can you open the oven for me so I can put the chicken in?

D: It’s either that or you’ll have to stay home from work and do my bidding while I recuperate in my sick-bed.

G: I’ll get the dust buster, and you can go to town.

D: I always hated you.

"What does all of this have to do with Passover, Deborah?" Don’t you want to mention something about the holiday when we celebrate our liberation from the slavery? Why, even our President is hosting a seder in the White House, and all you can do is bitch about your ear?

Yes, of course. Passover. I’m grateful to Moses for liberating our people so that I would not have to be a slave in Egypt where no one would have attended to my ear infection, and I probably would have been rendered deaf in a few days time. To be a slave and to be deaf was probably not an enjoyable scenario back then I’m guessing.

Happy Passover to all those celebrating-a zeisen Pesach!

The going rate for teeth

Asher’s tooth had been a wild, wriggly mess for weeks. So close. So loose. I had been tempted to sneak up on him, shove my finger nails in between that right, central incisor and his gums and twist that sucker right out of his mouth, but when I got to the end of that scenario in my head, the tooth was out, Asher was traumatized, and we’d never bounce back from the carnage. So I kept my itchy fingers by my side.

It wouldn’t have been so difficult to keep my hands to myself if he hadn’t opened his mouth for everyone who got within ten feet of him. I couldn’t blame him. This was the first one to go. This was, in fact, a big milestone, and we were all looking forward to a visit from the Tooth Fairy.

One morning while Asher was in school, I received an email from a parent of another child in Asher’s class who is a drop-off mom. While I unload Asher at the bus stop, this mom takes her child to school and sees all the other drop-off parents and kids while they wait in line before class. She was kind enough to let us in on the latest.

Hi Class Parents,

This morning I had a very interesting conversation with Asher. He showed me his very loose tooth and we were very excited for him. Then he told me how he expects from the Tooth Fairy one hundred dollars so he could buy a Nintendo DS! When I told him that I think a DS is $129.00 he told me he could handle the rest! Which got me wondering- what's the going rate for a tooth these days?

Thanks, Class Parent

We’re not usually a very chatty group, but this email changed all of that. I was the first to respond because I had to set the record straight. In my reply, I explained that we never told Asher that the Tooth Fairy was going to give him $100. It was true that he had been obsessing about a Nintendo DS for months now, but he was (and is still) doing chores around the house and saving his money so that he can get one himself-and we may go halfsies with him.

It was a relief to get that out in the open. What would the parents think if we had set his expectations to the tune of $100? And then the flurry of emails followed. The consensus was closer to $5 for the first tooth and $1 for every subsequent tooth. I was gobsmacked to learn that apparently, the Tooth Fairy is shelling out $40-$50 per tooth to a select few. There are small children in my humble town making a killing off milk teeth. $50 per tooth? Are you shitting me? I thought $5 for the first tooth was excessive, but $50 per tooth?

Since when has the Tooth Fairy been so loaded? What’s she doing with those teeth in Tooth Fairy Land anyway? And what are these little tykes doing with $1,000 in tooth money? I’m thinking that they’ve already got the DS. Are they playing the stock market? Are they frittering it all away on booze and whores like I’d do if that kind of dosh were left under my pillow? Ok, at the age of 6, I probably would have saved my tooth money for a pony. I wouldn’t have gone for booze and whores until the wisdom teeth came out. Imagine what the Tooth Fairy is shelling out for them!

Luckily, Asher does not yet know of these children whom the Tooth Fairy deems worthy of $50 per tooth. I’d hate to have to explain to him that all teeth are not created equal or that the Tooth Fairy uses a complicated formula based on household income, number of dependents, credit card debt and how many Bar/Bat Mitzvahs each family will be bankrolling to determine how much money the Tooth Fairy can spare. Instead he only knows that even when all of his teeth come out, he will still not have enough money for a DS and that hours of yard work are in his future. If any of my neighbors would like to employ Asher, he’s available for small tasks befitting a six year old.

That tooth came out at school on the 15th of March. We wrote a note to the Tooth Fairy asking her for $100 to include with his tooth. While he did not receive $100, he was very excited to get $5 and a kind note sprinkled with fairy dust explaining that he would receive $1 for each tooth. She wished him luck in his quest for a DS and reminded him to take good care of his adult teeth.
Now, he’s got a gap in his smile that he shows off by twisting his tongue in between the space. He gets the tongue-twisting gene from me, and I’m thinking that will serve him well later in life.
For Asher, the loss of a tooth signifies maturation and growth. Every since he lost his tooth, he’s insisted on clipping his own toe nails which he does with close supervision. I’m hoping he doesn’t think there’s a Toe Nail Clippings Fairy.

Debriefing Diversity Day

Having had diversified, I packed up my rainbows and headed home in the rain.

It was difficult to believe that we had only spent 4 hours at the Diversity Fair at Asher’s elementary school when we finally made it home. I was exhausted from representing The Gays to small children and their parents. I handed out goodies and smiled at every delightful child and tried unsuccessfully to pry Asher off of my person and get him to explore the other tables on his own.

Asher showed me the passport he received when we got to the fair. I explained that he was supposed to go to every table and get a sticker or stamp from each station. There was a continent on every page, and the children would learn where all the countries sat on the maps-because most of the tables represented countries; England, Norway, Mexico, Ethiopia, Turkey, etc.

“Where does your sticker go in my passport?” The children asked. “Yes, well, we can put a rainbow sticker on any page you like because there are rainbows ALL over the world.” I made eye contact with the mom from India as she escorted her daughter to all the tables and whispered, “Our People are in India, too, but we might have a much lower profile so we don’t get arrested,” I laughed to show that oppression in fundamentalist countries doesn’t turn my gay smile upside down. She laughed with me. I’m pretty confident she didn’t understand a word I said.

One of the girls from the Ethiopia Table ran over to check us out. “Which country is this? Is this Rainbow Land?” “Yes, my child. This is Rainbow Land where the sun always shines, the flowers are in full bloom, there is no war or poverty or hunger, and everyone is happy and gay.” No, I didn’t really say that. She made numerous trips back to my table because we did scratch-art projects to joyful music and handed out rainbow lollies and rainbow coloured peace sign necklaces, and she thought Rainbow Land was the best place to be. I couldn’t agree more.

It didn’t surprise me that children were unfamiliar with Rainbow Land. Our own family rarely ever discusses our gayhood. We live in an area where there are lots of people from Rainbow Land, and it all seems quite ordinary. So I was thrown off guard when the occasional parent asked me what my table was supposed to be. I do tend to forget that you can actually live here in Gayville and never have the pleasure of making our company.

“You don't get it, really?" I wanted to say. I had a huge rainbow flag hanging behind me and a poster that said Celebrate Diversity surrounded by photos of same-sex parents with their kids. There were a few books on the table like Todd Parr’s Family Book, King and King and And Tango Makes Three - the true story of the male chinstrap penguins, Roy and Silo, who raised a baby penguin together in the Central Park Zoo. I wondered if it would have been more clear if I had brought a brochure for R Family Vacations or maybe if I a t-shirt with this image:

My faith was restored when one mom stopped by and perused the literature. She was with her husband, but she was no stranger to Rainbow Land.

Mom: And Tango Makes Three! What a wonderful book.

Deborah: Isn’t it?

M: You do know what happened to those penguins Roy and Silo, don’t you?

D: ....no, what?

M: After 6 years, they split up.

D: They did?!?

M: Yup. Sad.

Way to rain on my gay parade, Lady.

Of course, I immediately surfed the web to find articles about the family. Turned out a couple of hostile penguins kicked Roy and Silo out of their nest. Clearly they were extremist right-WING penguins who were threatened by gay penguin love. And as if losing their home wasn’t enough, some tramp penguin named Scrappy from SeaWorld showed up and whored her way into Silo’s heart.

We certainly can’t expect that all gay couples are going to make it-not even chinstrap penguins. Their break up does not take away from the 6 years they had together or the family they created with Tango-who is a lesbian now, by the way. A pengbian? There are 4 other same-sex couples at the zoo including Tango. What’s in the water over there, and can we bottle it up for resale?

In the end, I’m not entirely sure that all the kids really understood that Rainbow Land was all about gay families. I didn’t greet each child with, “Welcome to the LGBTQ Table!” Nor did I ask each parent to sign a petition to legalize gay marriage. We celebrated rainbows and had a gay ol’ time. That’s about all this gay mom can muster for the Kindergarten through 2nd grade population. Everyone else can read the blog.

Raffle winners

It has only been a week since I was fired from WTF.com after an unsuccessful attempt to gas me to death. Funny enough, I don’t miss it.

Now I can focus on finding a normal job and doing mom stuff. The first thing on my mom stuff list is awarding the much deserved raffle prizes to my devoted readers and voters. Thanks goes out to Levi for donating his President's Day bank that he made in preschool for the raffle drawing. We agreed that it was the perfect receptacle for our honest and fair drawing.
According to Kelly at The Lesbian Lifestyle, I will receive the DVDs, soundtrack and T-shirt from Enlightenment Productions at the end of the month/beginning of next at which time I will be able to send them on to the winners. Please send your address details to deborah (at) peachesandcoconuts (dot) com.

Congratulations to:

RHEA – The World Unseen DVD
TAMARA – I Can’t Think Straight DVD
CHRISSY – I Can’t Think Straight Soundtrack
ALIX – I Can’t Think Straight T-shirt

PENCIL – Peaches & Coconuts T-shirt or thong
SUNSOAKERB – Peaches & Coconuts T-shirt or thong

Next on the agenda: The Diversity Fair at Asher’s elementary school. Tomorrow is the big day, and I need to hustle and make sure that I have everything I need for the Gay Table. Rejoining the stay-at-home world affords me some time to do last minute hunting and gathering for cheap, family-friendly gay things. Thankfully, I’ve got rainbows on my side because I’m not sure that handing out labryses would be either appropriate or safe.

I did my best to help Yid Table Mom with ideas. She wasn’t sure she had an Israeli Flag anywhere, so I suggested she hang a banner that says, “WE KILLED JESUS”. That should attract some attention. She was stressed about the food.

Yid Table Mom: Gabriella’s serving pizza at the Italian Table? That’s perfect! What am I supposed to do? Jewish food?

Deborah: What do you mean, YTM? Order Chinese food!

YTM: I think I’m going to pick up some rugelach instead.
D: Well, as one surgeon said to the other, ‘Suture-self”. Maybe for your activity, you could teach everyone how to make a good pun...or how to perform a circumcision. You can borrow the labrys I was going to bring.

YTM: What are you going to do for your activity?

D: We’re going to rally for gay marriage. I’m going to have all the children carry banners and march around the cafetorium chanting, “Gay, straight, black, white, marriage is a civil right!” Either that or “Justicia ahora!” Then we’ll all convene back at the table and sign letters to our elected officials.

YTM: Really?

D: Um, no.

Sacked

Fired. Sacked. Made redundant. Set Free!! I was at WTF.com long enough to change the health benefits policy to recognize Civil Union partners but not long enough to lose my mind completely. WTF.com and I were mismatched at best, and I was clearly not the only one who thought so. Last Thursday, I was officially and very politely fired. If I could have skipped home, I would have, but there were too many people in my path outside of Popeye’s, so I chose to circumvent the hungry masses and head straight for my mini-van and get the F out of the City of the Great Unwashed. My mini-van never looked so good.

It was only a week ago that the general manager of WTF.com directed us all to pack up our things as soon as possible and work from home due to the “strange odor” making everyone sick. I had no idea to what she was referring until I stood up to collect my things and WHAM! It was as if someone rammed my head inside my laptop case, zipped it shut and spun me around faster than an Olympic figure skater’s scratch spin. WTF indeed! I drove home on the highway with the windows down opting for the frozen, polluted air to whatever had poisoned my body at the office. I was stoned in a very bad way. It may have been a delusion, but I recall finding the boys playing quietly and cooperatively when I got home, so I was able to pop some ibuprofen and lay my head on the cold counter top until the brain-fog dissipated.

That evening, after the nausea passed, I was able to log on to my work account to see if there was any word about the strange odour. All the WTF.com employees received an email that our local gas company PSE&G discovered that, in fact, the boilers were leaking carbon monoxide. Not to fear because WTF.com turned off the boilers and opened all the windows and aired out of the office. We were all to return to work the next morning dressed warmly so PSE&G could test the boilers WHILE WE WERE ON SITE!

There are a handful of situations in life that give this Jewish girl pause. I have already confessed to you my discomfort with seat warmers in German cars. I prefer not to consider the history behind the excellence of their technology. Add to my list of aversions an invitation to a mass gassing. I began writing the imaginary letter that would excuse me from traumatic dramatizations of genocide until I realized that I had a few business meetings lined up that would keep me out of the office anyway. But I thought to myself, “Self, WTF?”

After the poisoned clouds parted and the fumes were absorbed into the ozone layer, the birds sang once more, and the week took a turn for the better. I celebrated a glorious anniversary with my lady-friend. Another wedding shot for you- Gabriella brought home the most exquisite bouquet of flowers and made a reservation at a local restaurant we had been meaning to try. At dinner, I learned that we had won The Lezzy Awards Best Personal Blog which turned an already wonderful evening into a spectacularly glorious one. And the next morning, I was tired and happy when I arrived at work only to be told that it would be my last day. Thank you, WTF.com for giving me a job when I needed it and booting me out when I needed that more.

So what’s next? I’m sure I don’t know. I’ll take some time to simply appreciate being at home-reunited with my jeans and breathing fresh, carbon-monoxide free air--well as fresh as it gets in New Jersey, anyway.

By the by, I have not forgotten that I owe some lucky few raffle prizes. You'll forgive me, but I have recently been poisoned and laid-off. I will announce the winners very soon, and I thank you for your patience.

We rocked it!

I AM F-ING SHOCKED!! WE WON!! Peaches & Coconuts is officially The Lesbian Lifestyle’s Best Personal Blog 2009, and I am SHOCKED! I realize that reaction is not the most eloquent way of saying, “Thank you for voting. This win belongs to YOU!” But, I’m just so shocked! Of course, I’m proud of Ps&Cs, and I think I’ve got a good thing going, but really, have you read the other blogs?!? Quality, I tell you. I’m not fishing-honest! (insert your own joke about lesbians and fish here). I’m saying that Up Popped a Fox and Just Like Jesse James are formidable and worthy of your time.

The good news for Vikki at Up Popped a Fox is that she won Best Parenting Blog, and she absolutely deserved it. Jesse James is new to me, but I’m grateful to The Lezzys for the introduction. This blog is definitely one to watch. Anyone who references Cher as often as Jesse James is a bit of alright in my book!

And now, huge props and a standing O to the winners of this year’s Lezzy Awards! Just when I thought I could not possibly follow one more tweet or blog, along come the likes of this year’s winners who have enriched minds and entertained and provided us all with beautifully honest and multifarious, lesbian perspectives. Thank you Kelly at TLL for reminding us every year that we talented lezzzzzies are making a mark in this world, one lesbian blog at a time.

Entertainment/Culture: Dorothy Surrenders
Humor: Grace the Spot
Engagement/Wedding: My Big Fat Gay Wedding
Feminist/Political: Feministing.com
Out Later in Life: Making Space
Sex/Short Story/Erotica: Sugarbutch Chronicles
New Lesbian Blog: Autostraddle
Podcast: The Lesbian Lounge
Lifetime Achievement: After Ellen

Congratulations, Mazel Tov, Auguri and Mabrook!

Is Peaches & Coconuts really the Best Personal Blog? Rhetorical question. What I do know more than ever now is that the Peaches & Coconuts readers are incredibly supportive and loyal and clearly relentless. You people rock! You know that, right?

“We rock? You whine and beg for votes, and you hound us for days and what do we get for our efforts? The pleasure of reading your blog? Gee, thanks!”

How quickly they turn.

My sweet sugar snap peas, I would never leave you with praise alone. Words can be so empty. Hellloooo oooo oooo oooo! See?

For those of you just tuning in, I offered up the DVDs, soundtrack and t-shirt from Enlightenment Productions as raffle prizes for anyone who commented on entries related to The Lezzy Awards prior to this particular one. I will have the results of that drawing next week.

“But what about the rest of us, Deborah? There will be a lucky few, but there were so many of us who voted and sometimes even read your blog. What do we get?”

I’m sorry. Are you whining? So unattractive. Here’s the deal, Lucille. I don’t make any money off this blog. If I did, I’d get all Oprah or Ellen on you. I’d give away golf clubs and Subarus. But I don’t. Yet, I do feel there’s so much more I could do to please you as you have pleased me, oh worthy voters. At times, I feel the urge to raffle off my first born child. In those moments, I’m not so sure if that particular prize is a reward or a punishment. I do have a little something else up my sleeve, however. Two additional winners chosen from comments in prior Lezzy posts AND this one will have their choice of a Peaches & Coconuts t-shirt or a pair of thong underwear. That’s right, thong underwear. You will also have the option of adorning your item with both a peach and a coconut or the coconut on its own or the peach on its own. Having trouble deciding? Read this entry to determine your inner fruit or nut.

I wish it could be more, and I hope someday it will be. In the meantime, my blog is your blog, and I welcome you with open arms and a cheeky smile. Thank you.