The mutha-load

Mother’s Day is a pain in my ass, and I have a very high tolerance for pain. In my ass.

Before I even get to the two moms conundrum, let’s discuss the fact that neither Gabriella nor I has a mother to pamper nor a mother who might take our children off our hands for a day. Her mother is gone – as in deceased – not as in she’s in Florida. And my mother is gone – as in barking mad – not as in deceased or in Florida. That leaves the two of us on Mother’s Day with two small children who still require a significant amount of attention and care.

Asher came home from school with one card attached to one gift addressed to Mom. I would be Mom while Gabriella is Mommy. Did he choose to make one card and one gift? Did his teachers ask that he make only one card and one gift? Couldn’t someone have suggested to him that he address his one card and one gift to Mom & Mommy? My guess, and I’m not kidding, is that he chose to address his card to Mom because he compared the number of letters in Mom and Mommy and chose the name that required the least amount of writing. Poor Gabriella. She’ll be sad that I vetoed her vote to be called Ma [shudder].

Levi planted 2 flowers and made two projects at preschool. That’s twice the work for Levi, poor dear. I don’t think he minded. When I picked him up from school, he gave me a huge hug and said, “I like making projects, Mamma.” Actually, it was more like “I like making projects, muh-MAH” as if he were some little French boy. Bizarre. That’s French for bizarre.

Then again, Levi does have an ear for other languages. The other day, I bought him a book. Silverlicious. It’s a girlie book for girlie girls, and my Levi begged me to buy it for him. And so I did, and you can find the full story HERE. He loved the book so much, he asked me to buy another book in the series. So I did. I bought it online. I did not inspect the description closely and did not notice until it arrived that the edition I bought was in Spanish. I told Levi that I would return it for the English version, but he insisted that I read it to him. And I did. Night after night. For weeks. And then Gabriella did. And then we went out a few times, and the babysitters read it in Spanish, too. Asher sat in occasionally for these readings but he only wanted to hear the translations and grew very impatient when he thought we were going on too long and adding too much emotion in Spanish. Reading a book in Spanish without emotion?!? ¡Escándalo!

I doubt that Levi picked up Maman from some French kid, however. I think he’s just a little excentrique. I have lost my train of… oh yes. Mother’s/Mothers’ Day. Bah Mum-bug. Gabriella and I agreed to ignore it. Gabriella stresses out writing cards. I stress out making breakfast. Gabriella stresses out trying to pick out gifts for me. I stress out putting the kids to work to create more projects. Who needs the stress?

It’s not as if we haven’t treated ourselves. This past week was our week of theater (pron. thee-AY-der). There was Me Julie last Saturday. On Wednesday we caught the play BENEFACTORS which was brilliant…and I’m not just saying so because our friend Stephen Turner was a principal cast member. He was, in fact, phenomenal as a bitter Brit who takes delight in destroying people for the sake of it.

Thursday night? Rated P at SOPAC in South Orange. Where do New York City show folk go after they’ve procreated? Yes, Brooklyn. But then where do they go after they’ve procreated a 2nd time and can’t afford private school for two and are desperate for space? Yes, South Orange (and sister town Maplewood). They may have moved out of the theatre district, but you can’t take the show out of show folk. So a bunch of these talented souls whipped up a sketch comedy musical about parenting, and it is fantastic! It was the perfect combination of clever, fast-paced sketches and amazing performances.

Here’s a great example of an unexpected approach to parent-teacher conferences.


After the show, I was able to meet the cast. Well, I didn’t actually spend much time with them. I just ran up to them and captured their souls with my camera.

Director Jeremy Dobrish & Joanna Young

Bradley Dean

David Josefsberg & Courtney Balan

Writer Sandy Rustin and her husband Evan

If you’re local, tickets are available Saturday and Sunday. After that, you’ll just have to wait until it hits Broadway. It’ll get there, all right.

We had a mutha of a week, and that’s enough for both of us muthas. Sunday is just another day. The boys will present us with their cards and crafts, and we’ll hug them and kiss them and go about our day.

For those of you who are less agonized about this holiday than we are, Happy Mother’s/Mothers’ Day! May you feel appreciated and supported and loved on Sunday and ALL YEAR ROUND!