Peaches & Coconuts: Oscars according to me

Here are some Oscar highlights that I’ve slapped up here to give you my thoughts as the evening is already starting to fade from our mammories. It wouldn’t be a proper Oscar post if I didn’t pay homage to the breastages. From J-Lo’s areola to Viola’s ample bosom to Octavia Spencer’s vow to get a boob lift to Sandra Bullock’s bindings. I honor all of you and your boobs whether they were pushed up or pushed back, lined or laying low.

J-Lo

Viola Davis

Sandra Bullock

Moving on from the topics of racks to off the rack, some dresses dazzled and others were uninspired but few were disastrous. There was a lot of buzz about Michelle Williams’s dress, but I thought she had just stepped out of a scene from Bonanza. Gabriella’s favorite was Jessica Chastain’s nod to brocaded upholstery while I preferred the softer looks of Penelope Cruz and Rooney Mara.

Michelle Williams

Jessica Chastain

Penelope Cruz

Rooney Mara

I loved Robin Roberts looking glamorously fit on the red carpet as opposed to Angelina Jolie who tried to distract us from her emaciated arms by jetting her leg out from her dress in a peculiar stance that implied she needed a good airing out. I’ve seen too many Holocaust films in my life to find her skeletal frame the least bit attractive.

There was lot of noise about the noise. The audio feedback was hugely distracting throughout the show, but Gabriella said she didn’t hear it. I thought I had tinnitus until I realized that it was more likely that Gabriella is going deaf. “Now I understand why you don’t put your recyclables in the bins even though I ask you a gazillion times, Gabriella.” “What?”

The Mominations segment touched me because I’m a mom and I have lost all objectivity when it comes to mothers talking about how proud they are of their children. Was it actually a worthy piece? I couldn’t tell you.

I was less interested in the clip of actors talking about their first film experience, but I couldn’t help but think fondly not of my very first film but of my first laugh out loud till I cried and fell out of my chair experience at a film. I remembered watching The Apple Dumpling Gang with my friend Deana, and we were forever bonded in laughter after an afternoon with Don Knotts and Tim Conway.

Favorite speech: Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall winners of Best Editing for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. “We weren’t expecting this. Let’s get out of here!”

Favorite presenters: It’s a tie between Chris Rock who confessed that animation was the easiest million dollars he’s ever made. And duo Will Ferrell & Zach Galifianikis– who really cymballized what great presenting is all about.

Standing Os for Octavia Spencer, Cirque de Soleil, Christopher Plummer, Merle Streep and Governors Award winners James Earl Jones, Oprah Winfrey and makeup artist Dick Smith. I thought the standing Os were timed perfectly allowing attendees to get up, air out the sweat pooling behind their thighs and prevent deep vein thrombosis and restless leg syndrome. Bet they would have stood up for anyone if enough time had passed without a break.

Was Viola Davis robbed of an Oscar? I have no idean not having seen either film. I was sad, however, that Pina did not win for Best Documentary not because I had seen Pina but because I would have like to talk about Pina so that all my Hungarian friends would read about my love of Pina and wonder if I knew what I was saying.

I took note that not a single winner thanked God. It wasn’t so long ago that you would have gotten more smashed taking a drink every time someone thanked God instead of Scorsese. Then again, I think drinking to Weinstein would have gotten you drunker.

Looking forward to next year’s award season when we’ll be remembering the little people. And by little people, I mean little people! This year is The Year of the Little People: HBO’s Life’s Too Short with Warwick Davis, Mirror Mirror, Project X. Luckily, stylists will be well prepared after dressing Peter Lorre’s double.