I’ve read that there’s a version of Post Office called Postman’s Knock where the mail carrier personally delivers a letter in exchange for a kiss. KOD? A stamp costs less than 50 cents. What kind of kiss does that get you? Will we be prohibited from playing on Saturdays once we suspend Saturday delivery? Do you have to wait until the postman rings twice? Unknown. At least in this game, your mail is being held hostage by someone in uniform standing at your door, representing official, governmental business. That could be hot. Or tepid, anyway. But truly, the concept of the postal service having anything to do with romance is a mystery. We’re a long way away from associating macking out with going postal.
You have to wonder why the Post Man and not the Milk Man given that the Milk Man is responsible for illegitimate children all over the Western world. Why the Post Man and not the UPS Man who typically carries a much bigger package? Let us not forget the Plumber who is much better suited to clean out the pipes or the Texas Trooper, skilled in the art of cavity searches.
If you were to tell me that there was a game called Firehouse, I’d say, “Sure, I get that.” You make an emergency call begging for someone to come put out your fire with a large hose or rescue you from a burning building where you are trapped in the bathroom in a suds-filled tub. The game is already charged by urgency and danger. Priority Overnight mail doesn’t seem to compare. Furthermore, we are all aware that the hotness of fire fighters, on average, is decidedly…smoking.
Playing Doctor seems the most straightforward way of getting busy, requiring comprehensive biological exploration. Then again, playing Bikini Waxer fits the bill there, too. Up to you to decide whether or not you find ripping hairs from delicate folds more pleasurable than an ice-cold speculum. At least the game Bikini Waxer allows for a more serene, spa-like staging complete with floral scents, exotic oils and background music. You won't hear a sensual soundtrack piped into the examination room to accompany your Wellness Visit. Bikini Waxer requires relaxing music and provides the opportunity for us to rediscover those forgotten albums like Enigma’s Deep Forest or Enya's ever-popular Orinoco Flow, just to name a few.
Perhaps it’s the reliability of the Postal Service that turns us on. As it is written, "neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds." There’s something to be said for a service provider who always delivers.
This Valentine’s Day, perhaps you will be playing one of the aforementioned games. Or, you may forego a game entirely. Like many of us tired and weary parents, you may decide that dinner and possibly a movie on a Thursday night trumps locating that eye patch you had to wear when you scratched your cornea in order to play Pirate. Understandable, Matey. Arr.
You may have nothing planned for the day. You may resent the commercialization and the pressure that goes along with this Hallmark Holiday or abstain from celebrating due to its religious origins. That won’t stop me, however, from sending you love because I’m giving that way. And if we decide to play a little virtual Post Office, please accept my delivery of love and refrain from returning it to sender.